Working 9-5 and loving it!
Pop Quiz time, BGI Girls: What gets in the way of getting to your fave weekday morning Pilates class but gets you your weekly Wet Seal fix? Give up? It's your job!
Now we all know that being the fun, flirty, glossy and glamorous BGI girl is a full time job in itself, and everyone knows that every woman in the world works in a cubicle and eats 100 calorie snack packs while secretly doing Kegels and girl push ups on their lunch breaks. But that's not all that fierce and fabulous ladies have in common. We also have to work in other offices with ladies who, let's face it, are bitch roadblocks on the Fierce Highway to Glamorville. Think of them like beta blockers, when your betas need to not be!
We here at BGI know that there are a ton of un-glamorous people who are the creepy incestuous murderers slashing your tires in the "Hills Have Eyes" of your life, so we here have a guide for recognizing - and dealing with - what we here at BGIHQ like to call the Big Four of office downers.
TMI Lady: Nothing creates premature age lines quite like the woman in the cube next to you that is just "blah blah blah me me me me " all day long - and believe us, L'Oreal Paris does NOT make a serum for this! She's talked to you about her latest pap smear, how long it took her to find her Wet N' Wild Creme Blush, and her son's latest hospitalization. Our best advice is to start a blog, because everyone knows that lame people should be talked about in a public forum, and no amount of looking away, not responding, or other super assertive ways of getting her to stop is going to work. Think of it like you're Jane Goodall and TMIL is the gorilla - isn't the world a better place now that we know more about that stuff?
Target Target: We all know this woman. She buys everything from Target (including her new maxi dress, who she's going around telling everyone is Max Azria, although she's failing to mention it's Max Azria - for TARGET! Total lie!), and has the nerve to ask you if your new Marc Jacobs bag was from there. Well BGI, poor people like this are out there. They're not like us, who heart Target for the way cute going out tops you can wear once and for the 2-for-1 sale on Nads, they depend on Target for EVERYTHING. The best thing to do is to give them loose change, clean syringes if you have them, and oftentimes throwing the plastic-wrapped Saltine crackers you get with soup away from you is enough to get them away.
Menopausal Mom: Who are the people in the office who has never seen Gossip Girl AND still uses Sweet N Low? Chances are these are not two different people, it's usually Menopausal Lady. She still works even though she's well over 32, kind of smells like your grandma's linen closet, and she is always amazed by how shiny your hair is (clearly you've been following our tips, Gold Star, BGI!). It's true that she talks about her grandsons all the time, and she's always trying to invite you to backgammon games, which can be such a drag (I mean, doesn't she realize that Saturdays are 3 for 1 tequila shots night??). Time to flip it around, BGI! Remember that ML hasn't been a real woman in decades, probably, and your fresh and flirty style are way enviable. Just soak up all that positive attention (and try to ignore those desperate awkward laughs when she talks about how close to death she is)! Plus ML never misses an episode of American Idol, so when she tries to talk about her favorite episode of Two And A Half Men, you can always distract her with a subtle Bo Bice reference.
Skanky McCopyRoom: You all know this skank. She's the one who goes super ultra overboard on her Britney Spears perfume and spends most of the morning at the copy machine next to the Nick Jonas look-a-like that you're totally crushing on.
This isn't an easy one, BGI girl. What this woman has secretly done is challenge you to a Battle of the Scents, and the victor is always the one with the best fragrance. We have fragrance mixologists on staff 24-7 here at BGIHQ, and they have developed a FOOL PROOF flow chart for out-smelling Fruity McMagazineSample. The secret is choosing the RIGHT celebrity fragance to out-fresh-scent her.
Think of it like the food chain if you catch your workplace rival in one of these fragrances, choose the next highest option and domination - and hotties - are yours:
Jessica Simpson's "Ponies" --> gets trumped by --> Sarah Jessica Parker's "Meadows" ---> Blake Lively's "Apple Pie Made with Splenda"---> Whitney Houston's "I Swear It's Not Crack It's Just Some Flour I Got On My Bathroom Sink From When I Made Bread In There That Time Because The Crock Pot Took Up The Counterspace I Wanted"
That's all for today, BGI Girl. Remember, keep it low carb and glossy! TTYL!
Now we all know that being the fun, flirty, glossy and glamorous BGI girl is a full time job in itself, and everyone knows that every woman in the world works in a cubicle and eats 100 calorie snack packs while secretly doing Kegels and girl push ups on their lunch breaks. But that's not all that fierce and fabulous ladies have in common. We also have to work in other offices with ladies who, let's face it, are bitch roadblocks on the Fierce Highway to Glamorville. Think of them like beta blockers, when your betas need to not be!
We here at BGI know that there are a ton of un-glamorous people who are the creepy incestuous murderers slashing your tires in the "Hills Have Eyes" of your life, so we here have a guide for recognizing - and dealing with - what we here at BGIHQ like to call the Big Four of office downers.
TMI Lady: Nothing creates premature age lines quite like the woman in the cube next to you that is just "blah blah blah me me me me " all day long - and believe us, L'Oreal Paris does NOT make a serum for this! She's talked to you about her latest pap smear, how long it took her to find her Wet N' Wild Creme Blush, and her son's latest hospitalization. Our best advice is to start a blog, because everyone knows that lame people should be talked about in a public forum, and no amount of looking away, not responding, or other super assertive ways of getting her to stop is going to work. Think of it like you're Jane Goodall and TMIL is the gorilla - isn't the world a better place now that we know more about that stuff?
Target Target: We all know this woman. She buys everything from Target (including her new maxi dress, who she's going around telling everyone is Max Azria, although she's failing to mention it's Max Azria - for TARGET! Total lie!), and has the nerve to ask you if your new Marc Jacobs bag was from there. Well BGI, poor people like this are out there. They're not like us, who heart Target for the way cute going out tops you can wear once and for the 2-for-1 sale on Nads, they depend on Target for EVERYTHING. The best thing to do is to give them loose change, clean syringes if you have them, and oftentimes throwing the plastic-wrapped Saltine crackers you get with soup away from you is enough to get them away.
Menopausal Mom: Who are the people in the office who has never seen Gossip Girl AND still uses Sweet N Low? Chances are these are not two different people, it's usually Menopausal Lady. She still works even though she's well over 32, kind of smells like your grandma's linen closet, and she is always amazed by how shiny your hair is (clearly you've been following our tips, Gold Star, BGI!). It's true that she talks about her grandsons all the time, and she's always trying to invite you to backgammon games, which can be such a drag (I mean, doesn't she realize that Saturdays are 3 for 1 tequila shots night??). Time to flip it around, BGI! Remember that ML hasn't been a real woman in decades, probably, and your fresh and flirty style are way enviable. Just soak up all that positive attention (and try to ignore those desperate awkward laughs when she talks about how close to death she is)! Plus ML never misses an episode of American Idol, so when she tries to talk about her favorite episode of Two And A Half Men, you can always distract her with a subtle Bo Bice reference.
Skanky McCopyRoom: You all know this skank. She's the one who goes super ultra overboard on her Britney Spears perfume and spends most of the morning at the copy machine next to the Nick Jonas look-a-like that you're totally crushing on.
This isn't an easy one, BGI girl. What this woman has secretly done is challenge you to a Battle of the Scents, and the victor is always the one with the best fragrance. We have fragrance mixologists on staff 24-7 here at BGIHQ, and they have developed a FOOL PROOF flow chart for out-smelling Fruity McMagazineSample. The secret is choosing the RIGHT celebrity fragance to out-fresh-scent her.
Think of it like the food chain if you catch your workplace rival in one of these fragrances, choose the next highest option and domination - and hotties - are yours:
Jessica Simpson's "Ponies" --> gets trumped by --> Sarah Jessica Parker's "Meadows" ---> Blake Lively's "Apple Pie Made with Splenda"---> Whitney Houston's "I Swear It's Not Crack It's Just Some Flour I Got On My Bathroom Sink From When I Made Bread In There That Time Because The Crock Pot Took Up The Counterspace I Wanted"
That's all for today, BGI Girl. Remember, keep it low carb and glossy! TTYL!
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