Ho Ho Holidaze!!!!
Happy Winter BGItches! Now that your pastey ass has settled in for the chilly days of December after refusing to engage in No-Shave November (what BGI-er in her right mind would go without shaving for even a day? Srsly), it's time for that all important column: How to Survive the Winter Holidays BGI Style.
The holidays can be tough for even the BGI-est of us. With all the food and buying better presents for everyone in order to shame them, things can get stressfestival! Not to worry our loyal readers because 1. That causes wrinkles and you're pushing it already and 2. We have all the tips, trips, and techniques you will ever need to get through this December in true BGI Style! Now put an over sized wool cap over your frizzy tresses and get your read on!
Potential Disaster: The Holiday Meal
BGI Solution Revolution! Make this your one meal for the month. That way you have a goal set and you will totes not worry your family with your emaciated frame by eating like you haven't eaten in, well, like three weeks! Bonus, your Prada Jeggings by Taylor Swift will look totes fab sagging off your absence of booty! Other solution revolutions! include laxatives, only eating the salad and a spoonful of stuffing, or converting to a religion that does not celebrate Fatmas!
Potential Disaster: Getting a better present than you gave.
BGI Solution Revolution! Get all your friends fired by "accidentally" posting "those pictures" on Facebook! That way, they will have no money just in time for the holidays and their tears of gratitude for the coin purse you gave them, that came with the make-up gift you bought yourself, will look even shinier and more specially bestest!
Potential Disaster: Meeting your Hottie McBoyfriends' family
BGI Solution Revolution! Well BGI in training, you should have started obsessively stalking them weeks ago, when you first started dating Senor Holiday Loverrrrr. But since you are an idiot, the next best solution is to totes win them over by looking your best. That means, get your hair did, nails done too, AND max out that last credit card on a FABOOSH new dress! Remember, the tighter the dress, the shinier your eyes will be, and thus, the better person you will be! Since you won't have any money left after spending it (rightfully) on your perfect size 00 self, make sure you don't show up with a gift that screams THOUGHTFUL AND PERSONAL. We always suggest a good pregnancy scare because it will ensure you have Mr. Hotbod around your well-polished fingers until New Years and it will test the strength of his family! Just don't go too overboard with it and eat or anything.
Potential Disaster: Getting too drunk at the holiday party and makey outy-ing with a co-worker
BGI Solution Revolution! This depends on who your smooshface buddy is, because we all know there is no such think as getting too drunk on free cosmotinis! If this is someone lesser than you, like the mailroom boy, then promise him a peek at your bra every third Thursday of the month for like 6 months in exchange for silence. If it's your boss, same promise only thong instead of bra. If it's someone equal, make sure it's a married dude so you can blackmail his ass later!
We hope these simple tips stay in your flakey skinned heads. If all else fails BGItches, there's nothing a good percoset and vodka cocktail won't solve! Now get your booty to a tanning salon because we've got a long winter ahead of us! Kisses!
The holidays can be tough for even the BGI-est of us. With all the food and buying better presents for everyone in order to shame them, things can get stressfestival! Not to worry our loyal readers because 1. That causes wrinkles and you're pushing it already and 2. We have all the tips, trips, and techniques you will ever need to get through this December in true BGI Style! Now put an over sized wool cap over your frizzy tresses and get your read on!
Potential Disaster: The Holiday Meal
BGI Solution Revolution! Make this your one meal for the month. That way you have a goal set and you will totes not worry your family with your emaciated frame by eating like you haven't eaten in, well, like three weeks! Bonus, your Prada Jeggings by Taylor Swift will look totes fab sagging off your absence of booty! Other solution revolutions! include laxatives, only eating the salad and a spoonful of stuffing, or converting to a religion that does not celebrate Fatmas!
Potential Disaster: Getting a better present than you gave.
BGI Solution Revolution! Get all your friends fired by "accidentally" posting "those pictures" on Facebook! That way, they will have no money just in time for the holidays and their tears of gratitude for the coin purse you gave them, that came with the make-up gift you bought yourself, will look even shinier and more specially bestest!
Potential Disaster: Meeting your Hottie McBoyfriends' family
BGI Solution Revolution! Well BGI in training, you should have started obsessively stalking them weeks ago, when you first started dating Senor Holiday Loverrrrr. But since you are an idiot, the next best solution is to totes win them over by looking your best. That means, get your hair did, nails done too, AND max out that last credit card on a FABOOSH new dress! Remember, the tighter the dress, the shinier your eyes will be, and thus, the better person you will be! Since you won't have any money left after spending it (rightfully) on your perfect size 00 self, make sure you don't show up with a gift that screams THOUGHTFUL AND PERSONAL. We always suggest a good pregnancy scare because it will ensure you have Mr. Hotbod around your well-polished fingers until New Years and it will test the strength of his family! Just don't go too overboard with it and eat or anything.
Potential Disaster: Getting too drunk at the holiday party and makey outy-ing with a co-worker
BGI Solution Revolution! This depends on who your smooshface buddy is, because we all know there is no such think as getting too drunk on free cosmotinis! If this is someone lesser than you, like the mailroom boy, then promise him a peek at your bra every third Thursday of the month for like 6 months in exchange for silence. If it's your boss, same promise only thong instead of bra. If it's someone equal, make sure it's a married dude so you can blackmail his ass later!
We hope these simple tips stay in your flakey skinned heads. If all else fails BGItches, there's nothing a good percoset and vodka cocktail won't solve! Now get your booty to a tanning salon because we've got a long winter ahead of us! Kisses!