Bad Girl's Island

Greetings to all you loyal, skinny, and approaching-perfection-through-your-choice-of-reading-material BGItches! This column was brought to you through many many minutes of research and 16 times through the spell checker after a particularly long night of watching 27 Dresses and purging. But I am a BGI employee of principle and I WILL meet a deadline, eyeliner or no eyeliner (Kidding! There's always time for make up!). Our topic for today focuses on that all important issue of looking good in the media. Now, most of you are either too fat or too ugly to make in onto perezhilton.com (lol-tastic!) but, you still may end up in some family photos or posing with your BFF in front of some historical landmark, like the flagship Neiman Marcus. When it comes time to digital camera your booty, it is essential that you understand how to look your bestest of best at all times. We all know no one wants to look like the smelly kid from third grade in their pictures and if you are not as genetically and fashionably gifted as our BGI staff, these tips will keep you from Facebook black-booking due to heinous imagery.

1. Always act like you are being followed by the paparazzi and being filmed for America's Next Top Model. This will ensure you are walking, talking, eating, and sleeping in full make-up and hair.
2. Eat less. The camera adds ten pounds and we all know your ass is taking up too much space on the planet as it is. Bonus, you can tell your co-workers you are on the BGI-pic diet so they don't question why you keep passing out in the hallway!
3. Black is slimming, white is fattening. So don't get married unless you can pay for some serious airbrushing in the photos.
4. Stand next to something really big so you look totally teeny weeny. A good rule to follow is, is this object big or bigger than the professional football player I am going to give head to then accuse of sexual assault? Any smaller and no way little lady, you will look like Heifer McFlabbypantyline!
5. Ladies, there is a reason we all have the size 4 friend and we all know it's not her personality. If you are in a group shot, make sure you stand next to the fattest or ugliest of your friends. Extra high five if you have a friend that is both!
6. Get really drunk. Nothing brings out your sveltness like a few cosmotinis! Remember to get a really good program for your computer to get red-eye out, clean up your smeared make-up, put your bra back on, and photoshop Brad Pitt in.

Now send us those pics girls! We want to see what kind of sassy darlings are following our tips. Plus, if you mess up, we know what you look like so we can throw scalding soy lattes in your face! Kisses!!!!!!!!

Everybody knows that the most important thing in life is being famous.  Nothing is more flattering than everyone else in the world wanting to be just like you.  There’s really only one secret to celebutante success, and if you heed my advice, BGI girl, you too can become famous the EASY (pun intended) way!

 First, let me tell you how BGI girls do NOT become famous.  It is well known that the way to become rich and famous is definitely not through hard work and perseverance.   That’s just what those lame, humanitarian-like celebrities want you to think.  Let’s be honest, it’s not like you’re actually going to learn a 3-minute long monologue for a Jiffy peanut butter commercial just to get your big break!

 Now that we’ve established that, are you ready for the secret to fame???

 The secret to fame is putting out…A LOT!  It’s not easy being easy, but we all know that sleeping around will seriously get you far in life.  Think of how many famous people there are out there.  Now think of all the people that know famous people.  The likelihood of you sleeping with someone who knows a famous person is higher than Paula Abdul.   If you are fortunate to live in the Mecca of celebrities – Los Angeles – then you will surely become famous in a matter of weeks.

 Once you sleep yourself into the right circle, all you need to do is get a sex tape leaked and you are IN.  It doesn’t matter what you are known for – just that you are known.  No one cares if you are talented.  You will still get signed by a major record label, or at the very least, get your own reality TV show. 

 Surely, there will be uber jealous people along the way trying to bring you down. Your fatter, less attractive friends claim to have self-respect, and always say that your promiscuity is a cry for help.  This is all a load of total crap.  Everyone knows that the reason ugly girls don’t sleep around is because they feel bad about their bodies and no guys will sleep with them anyway.  Hot girls like you have no qualms with putting notches on your belt!  At least you love yourself enough not to let those fatties get you down.

 Now that you’ve dropped your friends like last season’s denim romper, you have nothing holding you back from becoming the next big It Girl.  Keep in mind these quick few tips in how to maintain ultra celeb status:

1) Don’t eat!  Ever. Srsly. Throw your Lean Cuisines out now. Gross.

2) Go to rehab.  Everyone knows that being a celebrity train wreck is the most fabulous celeb status.

3) Tweet alllllll the time!

 Don’t forget, when people criticize you for sleeping your way to the top, consider it a compliment!  Nobody ever got anywhere by wearing cardigans and keeping their legs closed (a.k.a. being boring!). Good luck, BGI girls!

 

 

Nothing in life is more important than being IN.

Whether it's snatching the right kind of studded belt is going to catch the eye of that Nick Jonas look-a-like, or just safe in the tiny cave where hungry polar bears can't fit, science tells us that sticking with what's now and what's in is the only way to be. And no one knows more about the in crowd that us, the bad girls of Bad Girls Island!

Not every girl can be like us and instinctively know the difference between chic and fab and lame and drab, and while to the best of our knowledge this isn't a disability you can get Social security for yet (that bill has been held up in Congress for months now, our BGI Capitol Hill spies tell us), it is something that could mean the difference for your entire life's happiness.

So thank your lucky tube of Kiehl's #1 Vanilla Lip Balm that we were put on this earth in the first place so that your life didn't fall into shambles BGI Girls, because get ready for the official BGI Fall IN List!

IN: Having friends

Remember last fall when emo chic was all the rage? Sure BGI, you could sit in your favorite Starbucks drinking your fave nonfat orange chai tea latte and pretend to write deep poetry and cut yourself in public places. However, not only did it make your parents worry you were suicidal from your Twitter account, but all that not showering got you that written warning at work and the nickname "Smellparts McPitstain of Warmtrashdonia " that just can't seem to shake. So this year, we're putting having friends back on the IN List. Not only will friends tells that your thong is hanging out, but they will also give you hip tips on mascara and hold your hand the next time you have an unexpected pregnancy. Just make sure that they're attractive enough to party with you without bringing down your GQ (Glamour Quotient) but not going to out-hot you on the dancefloor!

IN: Baby Number Two

No, BGI we don't mean the Baby Number Two that you are faced with every morning from you baby, we mean, having a second child! Remember that old Greek Myth about Sisyphus? We don't either, mythology is for geeks. But our point is this: You want to be good enough, and the only way to do that is to keep on rolling that rock uphill. Sure, you finally became a real woman when you got married, but we all know that being a mother is the only way to unlock the secrets of the woman universe. You sealed the Woman Deal when you went through an amazing, beautiful pregnancy that you totally felt like a sexy, natural woman during, and you've lost that baby weight in no time flat (thanks, breastfeeding!) and now you've seemingly got it all, right? Wrong. Research tells us that women who only have one child are 45% less happy and glamorous than women with two children. And look at Angelina, her hotness nearly QUADRUPLED every time she had another baby! Having only one child is so 2002. Get with the times and get your second baby, because being a real woman means NEVER being satisfied with what you have.

IN: Faux Fur

We know what you're thinking, "OMG BGI, the next thing you're going to say is that pleather is good enough!" Well we're obviously not saying that, don't put words in our blog and shut your fat whore mouth (JK, luv u!). The environment and green things are all the rage, and faux fur is the way for you to win major points with the Greenpeace crowd and catch the eye of that Chace Crawford-in-Bikenstocks you've been crushing on all summer. Faux fur is going to be everywhere this fall, from jackets, to merkins, to fake eyelashes! Last year we told you that the ultimate splurge would be on that Phillip Lim authentic Bulgarian Mink cape/tent, but this year it's all about being aware of the world and animals, and recognizing that making sure other people think you care is the only way to go.

IN: Bagels

JK, BGI Girl!

...But seriously, bagels are absolutely NOT in, they're like injecting your body with fat pills that suck away your lovability while they turn your organs into toxic waste.


Stay tuned to this space for more fresh and fun ideas for making the most out of being a person with the ladyparts. Also watch this space at the end of fall for, you guessed it, the only place to go for WHAT'S IN FOR WINTER!

Pop Quiz time, BGI Girls: What gets in the way of getting to your fave weekday morning Pilates class but gets you your weekly Wet Seal fix? Give up? It's your job!

Now we all know that being the fun, flirty, glossy and glamorous BGI girl is a full time job in itself, and everyone knows that every woman in the world works in a cubicle and eats 100 calorie snack packs while secretly doing Kegels and girl push ups on their lunch breaks. But that's not all that fierce and fabulous ladies have in common. We also have to work in other offices with ladies who, let's face it, are bitch roadblocks on the Fierce Highway to Glamorville. Think of them like beta blockers, when your betas need to not be!

We here at BGI know that there are a ton of un-glamorous people who are the creepy incestuous murderers slashing your tires in the "Hills Have Eyes" of your life, so we here have a guide for recognizing - and dealing with - what we here at BGIHQ like to call the Big Four of office downers.

TMI Lady: Nothing creates premature age lines quite like the woman in the cube next to you that is just "blah blah blah me me me me " all day long - and believe us, L'Oreal Paris does NOT make a serum for this! She's talked to you about her latest pap smear, how long it took her to find her Wet N' Wild Creme Blush, and her son's latest hospitalization. Our best advice is to start a blog, because everyone knows that lame people should be talked about in a public forum, and no amount of looking away, not responding, or other super assertive ways of getting her to stop is going to work. Think of it like you're Jane Goodall and TMIL is the gorilla - isn't the world a better place now that we know more about that stuff?

Target Target: We all know this woman. She buys everything from Target (including her new maxi dress, who she's going around telling everyone is Max Azria, although she's failing to mention it's Max Azria - for TARGET! Total lie!), and has the nerve to ask you if your new Marc Jacobs bag was from there. Well BGI, poor people like this are out there. They're not like us, who heart Target for the way cute going out tops you can wear once and for the 2-for-1 sale on Nads, they depend on Target for EVERYTHING. The best thing to do is to give them loose change, clean syringes if you have them, and oftentimes throwing the plastic-wrapped Saltine crackers you get with soup away from you is enough to get them away.

Menopausal Mom: Who are the people in the office who has never seen Gossip Girl AND still uses Sweet N Low? Chances are these are not two different people, it's usually Menopausal Lady. She still works even though she's well over 32, kind of smells like your grandma's linen closet, and she is always amazed by how shiny your hair is (clearly you've been following our tips, Gold Star, BGI!). It's true that she talks about her grandsons all the time, and she's always trying to invite you to backgammon games, which can be such a drag (I mean, doesn't she realize that Saturdays are 3 for 1 tequila shots night??). Time to flip it around, BGI! Remember that ML hasn't been a real woman in decades, probably, and your fresh and flirty style are way enviable. Just soak up all that positive attention (and try to ignore those desperate awkward laughs when she talks about how close to death she is)! Plus ML never misses an episode of American Idol, so when she tries to talk about her favorite episode of Two And A Half Men, you can always distract her with a subtle Bo Bice reference.

Skanky McCopyRoom: You all know this skank. She's the one who goes super ultra overboard on her Britney Spears perfume and spends most of the morning at the copy machine next to the Nick Jonas look-a-like that you're totally crushing on.

This isn't an easy one, BGI girl. What this woman has secretly done is challenge you to a Battle of the Scents, and the victor is always the one with the best fragrance. We have fragrance mixologists on staff 24-7 here at BGIHQ, and they have developed a FOOL PROOF flow chart for out-smelling Fruity McMagazineSample. The secret is choosing the RIGHT celebrity fragance to out-fresh-scent her.

Think of it like the food chain if you catch your workplace rival in one of these fragrances, choose the next highest option and domination - and hotties - are yours:

Jessica Simpson's "Ponies" --> gets trumped by --> Sarah Jessica Parker's "Meadows" ---> Blake Lively's "Apple Pie Made with Splenda"---> Whitney Houston's "I Swear It's Not Crack It's Just Some Flour I Got On My Bathroom Sink From When I Made Bread In There That Time Because The Crock Pot Took Up The Counterspace I Wanted"

That's all for today, BGI Girl. Remember, keep it low carb and glossy! TTYL!

Ladies Ladies Ladies! Fall is upon us and the Hot Mess Express that is BGI would like to drown your No-More-Summer Blues in true Bad Girls Island Hottie style! Now, we here at BGI are all for limiting your alcohol intake for the simple reason that it will turn you into a bloated, festering Fatty McLosercaboose and we will be forced to withdraw your subscription privileges! Nobody wants that, especially that somebody (Moi) who needsneedsneeds this seasons Louboutins ;) But, since we here at the always hip, fashionable, and otherwise better than you BGI office understand that you and your BFF need to unwind 6-10 times a week, we have a few tips for how to get your party on without forcing us to post your measurements on Facebook!

We here at Bad Girls Island are always getting asked advice from troubled BGITs (Bad Girls In Training) about how to solve life’s toughest problems, and how to up their fabulous from a Level Lohan to Level Klum, and obvs we know all about how to use the glamour compass to find the true north of sassy and eventually reach the continental divide of, you guessed it, Bad Girls Island (population: us!)

So what’s a BGI Girl to do when life throws some way tricky dilemms? Put down the full fat cream cheese and stop cutting (in visible places), BGI Girl, because now you can get real answers to your to your trickiest troubles causing not-hot age lines!

Presenting our newest feature, Bad Girl’s Good Advice!

A few deets on our way rad advice columnist: She is a way savvy, sexy, flirty, fabulous bad girl who has a doctorate in jiggy with a master’s in sassy with a special concentration in straight talk! She always eats well balanced meals and has never had a split end ever (as if we’d want advice from people who didn’t live the ultimate Bad Girls Island lifestyle!

So let’s get right to the first round of questions, submitted by our readers in need of three-hook 24-hour underwire EMOTIONAL support!

Dear BGI:

I’m a 23 year old BGI devotee who just can’t seem to drop those last five pounds to fit into my new BCBG size 0 turquoise skinny jeans! I do everything, I diet, I exercise, but it just doesn’t work! My boyfriend of three weeks dumped me last week and I just know it’s because of my hideous extra poundage! My best girlfriends are telling me that I’m way hot and that I don’t need to lose any weight, and my Facebook pics always get a lot of “likes” from my main gays, but I just know something’s wrong! What do I do? – Kaitlyn, 23, Long Island

Dear Kaitlyn,

First of all, you better heed my advice soon, because our BGI Style Forecasters are predicting that turquoise will be SO out for fall, and true BGI devotees are always working on being an It Girl, but whoever heard of aspiring to be an OUT girl?

Also, you have to remember that at your age your body is starting to store weight in your tummy and rear end in preparation for dying, which is what we know from science, and is also probably why you lost that Nick Jonas look-a-like, all that weight has him thinking about death, which is totally NOT a turn-on!

But there’s good news out there too, science isn’t always right. There are a ton of way hot celebrites at a totally healthy weight even though they’re way old. How could this be?

If you want to fit into those jeans – and win back that major hottie you missed out on – you should remember that the inability to lose weight is connected to your value as a person. Good people simply don’t gain weight, and our research has shown that, time and time again. Angelina Jolie is often photographed hanging around poor people and went to Africa that time to be around the hungry African children, and she’s always super-fit (except for that time when she was pregnant, but we all go through dark times). Even way old celebs like Cate Blanchett are always at a healthy, curvy weight, and she portrayed Queen Elizabeth, and other historical people, which is way educating.

Also, stay away from the B-to-the-itches in your life who are obvs trying to sabotage you by telling you not to look your best. Real friends would agree that your weight is just about disgusting, and that you absolutely need to be less Rubenesque – more like REUBEN-esque! Clearly your besties want you to be bigger so THEY can look smaller, which is a totes brills way look thinner, so try turning the tables on them by simple tricks like replacing their Diet Coke cans with full fattening Coke, surprising them at work with donuts, or drugging them with sedatives and intravenously injecting them with butter!



Following these tips are the only way to be, so get out there and be the best you possible!
If you have a question that you’d like to see answered by our amazing Bad Girl’s advice column, Twitter us at, you guessed it: twitter.com/BadGirlsIsland!

Get ready BGI gal because it’s time for your favorite part of the blogazine…the quiz!!!!! What better way to find out which one of the three vague and very polarized categories you fall into on the big spectrum of life? Today’s topic: SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. You’re elbows deep in the sale rack at Forever 21 and you see a major skank eye-balling the same super cute unitard you’ve been crushing on. You:
A. Let her have it and buy yourself a Venti, non-fat, no whip, sugar-free, decaf, extra hot, mochaccino as a consolation prize. (1 pt)
B. Throw your keys to the left to distract her with something shiny and swoop in for the steal. (2 pt)
C. Forcefully claim your Lycra onesie and tell that bitch she should consider herself lucky for not making your ruin your $70 manicure. (3 pt)

2. After spending 4 hours at Sephora finding the exact shade of lip stain that Katy Perry was wearing on her album cover you realize that it costs more than you make in tips at FroYo City. You:
A. Compliment the Sephora clerk on his creamy complexion and toss him some fro yo coupons in the hope that he’ll slip you his employee discount. (2 pt)
B. Admit defeat, settle for the lip slick that Jordan wore for her latest book signing, and hope that your crush won’t notice. (1 pt)
C. Find an old man in the food court and show him just enough cleavage to ensure he’ll buy you your perfect pucker potion. (3 pt)

3. Your besties would describe your shopping style as:
A. Ruthless. To you the word SALE is synonymous with poor, you once pouted for a week before your dad caved and bought you your “medically necessary” Botox injections, and your credit card company is scared of you. (3 pt)
B. Fierce and frugal. Yeah you splurged on that Yves Saint Laurent faux wrap-style peasant skirt, but you know how to work a coupon book and have a knack for flawlessly accessorizing your favorite Target sequined jacket. (2 pt)
C. You may not be up on all the latest fashion trends but you are an avid believer in Ross’s “designer event sale” and can walk away from a flea market with an arm full of flashy vintage realtor jackets that would make anyone jealous. (1 pt)

RESULTS
(7-9 points)
The last time you used restraint was when you tied up your hair stylist because she tried to give you Jennifer Anniston highlights and not Lauren Conrad highlights. You sit firmly in the camp of people that believe “fashionista” is a word and that calling something “fierce” means it is trendy. Bravo queen bee! Keep it up and your passion for couture will make Blair Waldorf look like a bag lady.

(4-6 points)
You’re perfect. You win at life. Pick up your prize at the cashier’s booth.

(0-3 points)
Sure your friends say you look a little like Ugly Betty and cats follow you home but you know deep down that it is their way of complimenting your quirky Appalachian Bo-Ho chic style. Don’t give up your dream that acid wash will come back into fashion and hang on to your Hypercolor T-shirts just in case, but don’t be afraid to indulge at Vanity once in a while on some of those cool jeans with leather stitching up the sides. Animal print never dies!