More About Us...

We are four fierce and fab females who created BGI for you ladies to vent and learn how to function in normal situations because you obviously don't know what guys find appealing without a "hot or not" list. We're lucky enough to have been born this way. So get ready to learn how to get a killer armpit shave while simultaneously giving a man an amazing orgasm because no one knows this shit better than the bitches of Bad Girl's Island!

Bad Girl, Good Advice

Not happy with your BF's manscaping skills? Tired of your roomie obessing that her nail beds are too fat? Send your questions to our no-nonsense advice columnist and get ready to ditch your life coach for the fiercest BGI bitch on the block. She's a certified crush-ologist, was the first to predict that Bennifer couldn't last, and is perfect in everyway you are not. Submit your questions now at twitter.com/badgirlsisland!

8 Must-haves for Summer

1. OPI hypo-allergenic, environmentally-friendly, acetone-free nail polish in Naked Mole Rat
This finger nail polish has literally saved my life…I shit you not loyal BGI followers. This overly neutral and reasonably priced (only $120!) lacquer permanently lives in my purse and has turned my shapely but boring nails into glistening beige sex sticks. I’m not one to overhype things but this nail polish can make your daddy love you.

2. The mega-dress
Last year every BGI girl on the boardwalk made a splash by rocking the IT item of the season, the maxi dress. Well throw those tired dish rags out like last night’s condom wrapper ladies because this summer it is all about the MEGA dress. The Mega is a larger and less shapely version of the maxi but with more material and more pizzazz. Think burka meets parachute and remember that mixed patterns are always better than solids when picking out the Mega for you. Nothing says DAMN GIRL! like a wanton disregard for the temperature or your figure!

3. Baby lamb foreskin clutch
If I am caught one day this summer without my BLFC may Her Majesty Lady Gaga curse me with big pores forever. This is the single most sought after bag on the planet and my connections (and loose morals) scored me one. Now I’m mainly telling you about this magnificent piece of mini mutton manhood so that you can be jealous of my fabooshness because the chances of you “common” folk getting one are smaller than the chances that Lindsay Lohan won’t violate probation. However, if you have even an ounce of BGI running through your veins you will claw, scream, and kick your way into a knock-off version before the day is out.

4. Hand-woven alpaca hair platform sandals
Now with all the hardships that have been going on in the world we at BGI have decided to do our part and promote a cause that is near and dear to our hearts. We did some research and found these beautiful sandals that are made by the native women of a remote tropical island that has been ravaged by economic hardship known as Long Island. They come in many of the native colors of the island, are uncomfortable, impractical for walking in sand, and perfect for boosting your height and your love for your fellow man. They pair nicely with the sexy Bumble and Bumble Sea Spray hair (see below).

5. L’Oreal Eyelash Primer with accompanying Oscillating Mascara Wand
I don’t know about you BGI girls but I have been asking myself how I can get unnaturally dark, thick, and long lashes that stay on all day without having to hassle with messy eyelash glue for sometime now. Its more elusive than the perfect liquid line AMIRIGHT?! Luckily our friends at L’Oreal have been hard at work and have developed even more products for us to buy. Their clump-free guaranteed eyelash primer is smooth and luxurious while the vibrating applicator shakes at a robotic frequency that no human hand could ever replicate. The result: the most amazing God-given eyelashes in the world! This product is an especially great option for the poverty-stricken population who are unable to buy Latisse.

6. Bumble and Bumble Sea Spray
Nothing says “I’m not low maintenance I just look that way” like sexy tousled beachy sun-kissed tresses. I’ve spent many hours trying to replicate the I’m-a-sexy-mermaid-who-just-washed-ashore-to-ravage-you look and Bumble and Bumble’s new Sea Spray has let me achieve it. It is a very sciency and technologically advanced mixture of salt and their patented secret ingredient called H2O that when combined with a few hours of simple prep can transform you into the sea goddess you’ve always longed to be.

7. Neutrogena’s Embryonic Stem Cell-infused Non-greasy Sunscreen
Now it has taken me a few years to finally jump on board with this notion that tanning can cause cancer and aging (and believe me BGI gals I still have my doubts) but to be on the safe side (and more importantly on trend) I have found a must-have sunscreen. This velvety lotion blend’s Neutrogena’s historically fantastic skin care expertise with tiny ground up babies to ensure that your scaly old 24 year-old skin never looks a day over 12. It is a bit on the spendy side at $1000/ounce but I honestly think that if you’re not willing to shell out some cash on having smooth baby-infused skin than you deserve to be barren and alone.

8. Sally sunglasses
Here’s a trend straight from the hipster streets to you, compliments of BGI. These sunglasses, named after their muse Sally Jesse Raphael (no worries BGI babies we weren’t born then either but remember that obscure references make you cool), are the practically falling off the runways of fashion week onto the sunken eyes of those troll-looking girls from Full House. Finding the right pair for your face is a challenge but as long as they are huge, dark, and make you look like an aging police chief you are on the right track. Not only will these shades have skinny jean-wearing lady-faced boys begging for your digits but their sheer size will make your head look small thus make you look thinner. Bonus!
 
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