Everybody knows that the most important thing in life is being famous. Nothing is more flattering than everyone else in the world wanting to be just like you. There’s really only one secret to celebutante success, and if you heed my advice, BGI girl, you too can become famous the EASY (pun intended) way!
First, let me tell you how BGI girls do NOT become famous. It is well known that the way to become rich and famous is definitely not through hard work and perseverance. That’s just what those lame, humanitarian-like celebrities want you to think. Let’s be honest, it’s not like you’re actually going to learn a 3-minute long monologue for a Jiffy peanut butter commercial just to get your big break!
Now that we’ve established that, are you ready for the secret to fame???
The secret to fame is putting out…A LOT! It’s not easy being easy, but we all know that sleeping around will seriously get you far in life. Think of how many famous people there are out there. Now think of all the people that know famous people. The likelihood of you sleeping with someone who knows a famous person is higher than Paula Abdul. If you are fortunate to live in the Mecca of celebrities – Los Angeles – then you will surely become famous in a matter of weeks.
Once you sleep yourself into the right circle, all you need to do is get a sex tape leaked and you are IN. It doesn’t matter what you are known for – just that you are known. No one cares if you are talented. You will still get signed by a major record label, or at the very least, get your own reality TV show.
Surely, there will be uber jealous people along the way trying to bring you down. Your fatter, less attractive friends claim to have self-respect, and always say that your promiscuity is a cry for help. This is all a load of total crap. Everyone knows that the reason ugly girls don’t sleep around is because they feel bad about their bodies and no guys will sleep with them anyway. Hot girls like you have no qualms with putting notches on your belt! At least you love yourself enough not to let those fatties get you down.
Now that you’ve dropped your friends like last season’s denim romper, you have nothing holding you back from becoming the next big It Girl. Keep in mind these quick few tips in how to maintain ultra celeb status:
1) Don’t eat! Ever. Srsly. Throw your Lean Cuisines out now. Gross.
2) Go to rehab. Everyone knows that being a celebrity train wreck is the most fabulous celeb status.
3) Tweet alllllll the time!
Don’t forget, when people criticize you for sleeping your way to the top, consider it a compliment! Nobody ever got anywhere by wearing cardigans and keeping their legs closed (a.k.a. being boring!). Good luck, BGI girls!
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