Tips for the Pics and Flix!
Greetings to all you loyal, skinny, and approaching-perfection-through-your-choice-of-reading-material BGItches! This column was brought to you through many many minutes of research and 16 times through the spell checker after a particularly long night of watching 27 Dresses and purging. But I am a BGI employee of principle and I WILL meet a deadline, eyeliner or no eyeliner (Kidding! There's always time for make up!). Our topic for today focuses on that all important issue of looking good in the media. Now, most of you are either too fat or too ugly to make in onto perezhilton.com (lol-tastic!) but, you still may end up in some family photos or posing with your BFF in front of some historical landmark, like the flagship Neiman Marcus. When it comes time to digital camera your booty, it is essential that you understand how to look your bestest of best at all times. We all know no one wants to look like the smelly kid from third grade in their pictures and if you are not as genetically and fashionably gifted as our BGI staff, these tips will keep you from Facebook black-booking due to heinous imagery.
1. Always act like you are being followed by the paparazzi and being filmed for America's Next Top Model. This will ensure you are walking, talking, eating, and sleeping in full make-up and hair.
2. Eat less. The camera adds ten pounds and we all know your ass is taking up too much space on the planet as it is. Bonus, you can tell your co-workers you are on the BGI-pic diet so they don't question why you keep passing out in the hallway!
3. Black is slimming, white is fattening. So don't get married unless you can pay for some serious airbrushing in the photos.
4. Stand next to something really big so you look totally teeny weeny. A good rule to follow is, is this object big or bigger than the professional football player I am going to give head to then accuse of sexual assault? Any smaller and no way little lady, you will look like Heifer McFlabbypantyline!
5. Ladies, there is a reason we all have the size 4 friend and we all know it's not her personality. If you are in a group shot, make sure you stand next to the fattest or ugliest of your friends. Extra high five if you have a friend that is both!
6. Get really drunk. Nothing brings out your sveltness like a few cosmotinis! Remember to get a really good program for your computer to get red-eye out, clean up your smeared make-up, put your bra back on, and photoshop Brad Pitt in.
Now send us those pics girls! We want to see what kind of sassy darlings are following our tips. Plus, if you mess up, we know what you look like so we can throw scalding soy lattes in your face! Kisses!!!!!!!!
1. Always act like you are being followed by the paparazzi and being filmed for America's Next Top Model. This will ensure you are walking, talking, eating, and sleeping in full make-up and hair.
2. Eat less. The camera adds ten pounds and we all know your ass is taking up too much space on the planet as it is. Bonus, you can tell your co-workers you are on the BGI-pic diet so they don't question why you keep passing out in the hallway!
3. Black is slimming, white is fattening. So don't get married unless you can pay for some serious airbrushing in the photos.
4. Stand next to something really big so you look totally teeny weeny. A good rule to follow is, is this object big or bigger than the professional football player I am going to give head to then accuse of sexual assault? Any smaller and no way little lady, you will look like Heifer McFlabbypantyline!
5. Ladies, there is a reason we all have the size 4 friend and we all know it's not her personality. If you are in a group shot, make sure you stand next to the fattest or ugliest of your friends. Extra high five if you have a friend that is both!
6. Get really drunk. Nothing brings out your sveltness like a few cosmotinis! Remember to get a really good program for your computer to get red-eye out, clean up your smeared make-up, put your bra back on, and photoshop Brad Pitt in.
Now send us those pics girls! We want to see what kind of sassy darlings are following our tips. Plus, if you mess up, we know what you look like so we can throw scalding soy lattes in your face! Kisses!!!!!!!!
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