What to look for in the man of your dreams.
Ok ladies,
It's time to put on your thinking caps and decide what that special someone in you life should have. I don't mean characteristics or qualities, because, let's face it, who gives a rats ass if he's intelligent? No one sees that when your man candy is walking down the street! Here's some pointers for spotting the guy who will boost your innate value.
1. Hair - a shellacked look is an ideal reflection of a guys soul. The more Axe product a man has in his locks the better. Trust me, you want to see that shiny mane glinting in the sun from miles away. On that note, let's move on to...
2. Sunglasses - Your life partner should have a minimum of two pairs of aviator frames and at least one pair of up to the minute fashion in eye wear. This is important so you can gaze upon his gloriousness while simultaneously checking for food in your teeth. Also, a good pair of aviator lenses will protect his eyesight from the sparkle his hair puts forth. Your man must wear his shades at all times, both indoors and outdoors. Nothing says "I am the epitome of cool" like wearing shades during dinner at Jakes.
3. Clothing - A man's shirt is a reflection of his current emotional state. For example, a polo with a popped collar says "I'm the sensitive guy you want sitting in the living room with your dad, drinking beers and talking about the glory days of bagging babes" combined with flip flops (or "mandals" as any marriage worthy guy should call them), this look says, "I'm sensitive to your needs and care about puppies and other shit". Any shirt that contains one or all of the following: leopard print, pink stitching, velour, gold lame, references to drinking or penis size, or Ed Hardy, is a sure sign that this man just broke up with his latest ho and is looking for a lifetime commitment at the local club. This man will not only rub his crotch vigorously on you and call it "dancing", he will most likely buy you a fancy cocktail (ie, a "pantydropper").
4. Drinking - Any man that offers to buy you a shot is pure gold. In order to keep his eyes only on you (for at least 5 minutes) it is best to order a shot that indicates your talents in either Sapphic experimentation or oral pleasure. To that end. please memorize the following sentences to utilize when clubbing with the future father of your children. "Hey girls! Let's do some body shots! WOOOOOOOO!" or "I want to try a Blow Job shot just to see if I can do it with no hands (giggle). WOOOOOOO!"
Now be warned ladies, in order to keep a man of this stature in your life you must prepare yourself. You must never ever be seen without full makeup and hair. Nails shorter than half an inch are unacceptable. You must be prepared to share his glory with other women (don't worry, he loves you, that's why you guys don't need to use a condom) while simultaneously keeping yourself entirely devoted to him. Vomiting and/or urinating in your bed is a sign of trust and eternal commitment.
I hope this has been helpful in your quest for true love. Keep at it ladies and you too will have an Abercrombie and Fitch assistant manager of your very own someday.
It's time to put on your thinking caps and decide what that special someone in you life should have. I don't mean characteristics or qualities, because, let's face it, who gives a rats ass if he's intelligent? No one sees that when your man candy is walking down the street! Here's some pointers for spotting the guy who will boost your innate value.
1. Hair - a shellacked look is an ideal reflection of a guys soul. The more Axe product a man has in his locks the better. Trust me, you want to see that shiny mane glinting in the sun from miles away. On that note, let's move on to...
2. Sunglasses - Your life partner should have a minimum of two pairs of aviator frames and at least one pair of up to the minute fashion in eye wear. This is important so you can gaze upon his gloriousness while simultaneously checking for food in your teeth. Also, a good pair of aviator lenses will protect his eyesight from the sparkle his hair puts forth. Your man must wear his shades at all times, both indoors and outdoors. Nothing says "I am the epitome of cool" like wearing shades during dinner at Jakes.
3. Clothing - A man's shirt is a reflection of his current emotional state. For example, a polo with a popped collar says "I'm the sensitive guy you want sitting in the living room with your dad, drinking beers and talking about the glory days of bagging babes" combined with flip flops (or "mandals" as any marriage worthy guy should call them), this look says, "I'm sensitive to your needs and care about puppies and other shit". Any shirt that contains one or all of the following: leopard print, pink stitching, velour, gold lame, references to drinking or penis size, or Ed Hardy, is a sure sign that this man just broke up with his latest ho and is looking for a lifetime commitment at the local club. This man will not only rub his crotch vigorously on you and call it "dancing", he will most likely buy you a fancy cocktail (ie, a "pantydropper").
4. Drinking - Any man that offers to buy you a shot is pure gold. In order to keep his eyes only on you (for at least 5 minutes) it is best to order a shot that indicates your talents in either Sapphic experimentation or oral pleasure. To that end. please memorize the following sentences to utilize when clubbing with the future father of your children. "Hey girls! Let's do some body shots! WOOOOOOOO!" or "I want to try a Blow Job shot just to see if I can do it with no hands (giggle). WOOOOOOO!"
Now be warned ladies, in order to keep a man of this stature in your life you must prepare yourself. You must never ever be seen without full makeup and hair. Nails shorter than half an inch are unacceptable. You must be prepared to share his glory with other women (don't worry, he loves you, that's why you guys don't need to use a condom) while simultaneously keeping yourself entirely devoted to him. Vomiting and/or urinating in your bed is a sign of trust and eternal commitment.
I hope this has been helpful in your quest for true love. Keep at it ladies and you too will have an Abercrombie and Fitch assistant manager of your very own someday.
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