Hot Summer Hook-up Hotties Hotness to Hook-up with this Summer!!!!!!
Greetings again to all of the BGItches out in that fabulous fashionable Carrie Bradshaw-if-she-weren’t-90-years-old-and-fat universe of fun! How lovely is it to have summer coming onto us like that triple decker swoony face in the back row of your Intro to Shoelace Tying community college class?!?! Speaking of come ons, we here at BGI have conducted some seriously serious research all in the name of science and helping out our loyal readers. So, you may ask yourself, “what is this possibly awesome research that the BGI staff have done?” Well, shut your facehole for a minute and I’ll tell you. Srsly, shut it.
Anyhoo, with this warm sunny weather and your part-time job at Starbucks being totes lame right now we thought it was best to educate you ladies about the hottie hookup dreamyjeans you should be on the lookout for this summer. Now you may ask what’s the difference? A hottie’s a hottie right? WRONG! Hotties are as now as any other shoe, pant, or lipstick. And again, shut your face for a minute and we’ll tell you. Read on Princess BGI!
Heir to fast-food franchise, knock-off shoe factory, or other industry that gainfully employs non-fabulous people.
These boys are easily spotted by their fresh application of hair product and dazzling Ed Hardy outfit. Listen carefully for their mating call which usually begins with “My Dad…”. For example: My dad’s yacht, the one he bought because he owns El Pollo Loco, is docked nearby, wanna make out? Now ladies, looks alone will not tell you whether this guy is legit (meaning for really real in his realness richness) or not. A simple test is to actually make out with him on the yacht, check his phone for Paris Hilton’s phone number (check under Paris Hilton in his contact list), or ask him a trick question. Some good questions include: How many celebrities do you know? What was the price tag for your last birthday party? or, What’s a yacht?
Jersey Shore/The Hills Sexypants
This boy must be tan. Rule #1, tan. Also, shirts revealing his ab definition THROUGH the fabric is an absolute must. Once these rules are met, watch for his particular courting dance. This will include fist pumping, yelling at his bros across the room, and checking his phone for totes now texts about where the bestest after party will be. This hottie will be double-bonused if his bros look exactly like him and they engage in a round of shots followed by even more fist pumps. This boy will most likely be attracted to a girl who is a) tan but not as tan as him and b) is wearing a dress a wee too small for her and shaking her finger in someone’s face. Extra secret tip: swivel your head while shaking your finger in someone’s face! This will get Mr. Orangeface Gymorexic’s phone number in seconds!
Legal Beiber
We all know that the code Q for cutie that is Justin Beiber is just soooooo adorable! What most of you may not know, and why we here at BGI are so helpful, is that The Beibs is only 15 years old. Now in any state that a true BGI in training would be found, 15 is what we call illegal and bad to implement a Rancho Pirate Bend and Flex with. So, our brainy solution here is to find an equally hot but totes legal Beiber Fever of your very own. Be on the watch for super skinny jeans and that oh so magical swoopy hair in eyes look. A good way to draw his attention is to flash your iphone in his eyes, beiberabes (Beiber Wanabes) absolutely cannot resist shiny technology. It’s also helpful to snag your very own Beiber if you most closely resemble a tween Twilight fan yourself (Team Edward Holla!!). This means if you’re lucky enough to be underweight and sullen, the Beiberabes will be flocking to you in no time! Be warned though ladies, you may want to do a brief “chest brush” or quickly scan lesbianswholooklikejustinbeiber.com from your iphone. Trust us, things get tricky and awkward sometimes after a few appletinis. Believe us.
SATC2 fan
This hottie prefers other hotties of the male persuasion. No, seriously. He doesn’t like you, he likes your gay friend who came to the SATC2 premier with you. Seriously.
We hope our tips on scoring that hottie of summer hottie hotness helps you ladies look as fabulous as possible. Remember, you are only as fashionable as your weakest accessory, don’t let it be the one that buys you drinks. And one final tip for all our lovely loyal stop standing in our light readers, for that extra WHABAM!!! to make your Dreamy McAwkward-O’Face stand out from all the other potential hotties, rub him down with Neutrogena’s SparkleVamp Lotion in Tortured or Tormented. These lotions have just a hint of bronzer and glitter to make your man’s bod shine like Edward Cullen if he weren’t all lame and pasty! Kisses!!!!
-CC ;)
Anyhoo, with this warm sunny weather and your part-time job at Starbucks being totes lame right now we thought it was best to educate you ladies about the hottie hookup dreamyjeans you should be on the lookout for this summer. Now you may ask what’s the difference? A hottie’s a hottie right? WRONG! Hotties are as now as any other shoe, pant, or lipstick. And again, shut your face for a minute and we’ll tell you. Read on Princess BGI!
Heir to fast-food franchise, knock-off shoe factory, or other industry that gainfully employs non-fabulous people.
These boys are easily spotted by their fresh application of hair product and dazzling Ed Hardy outfit. Listen carefully for their mating call which usually begins with “My Dad…”. For example: My dad’s yacht, the one he bought because he owns El Pollo Loco, is docked nearby, wanna make out? Now ladies, looks alone will not tell you whether this guy is legit (meaning for really real in his realness richness) or not. A simple test is to actually make out with him on the yacht, check his phone for Paris Hilton’s phone number (check under Paris Hilton in his contact list), or ask him a trick question. Some good questions include: How many celebrities do you know? What was the price tag for your last birthday party? or, What’s a yacht?
Jersey Shore/The Hills Sexypants
This boy must be tan. Rule #1, tan. Also, shirts revealing his ab definition THROUGH the fabric is an absolute must. Once these rules are met, watch for his particular courting dance. This will include fist pumping, yelling at his bros across the room, and checking his phone for totes now texts about where the bestest after party will be. This hottie will be double-bonused if his bros look exactly like him and they engage in a round of shots followed by even more fist pumps. This boy will most likely be attracted to a girl who is a) tan but not as tan as him and b) is wearing a dress a wee too small for her and shaking her finger in someone’s face. Extra secret tip: swivel your head while shaking your finger in someone’s face! This will get Mr. Orangeface Gymorexic’s phone number in seconds!
Legal Beiber
We all know that the code Q for cutie that is Justin Beiber is just soooooo adorable! What most of you may not know, and why we here at BGI are so helpful, is that The Beibs is only 15 years old. Now in any state that a true BGI in training would be found, 15 is what we call illegal and bad to implement a Rancho Pirate Bend and Flex with. So, our brainy solution here is to find an equally hot but totes legal Beiber Fever of your very own. Be on the watch for super skinny jeans and that oh so magical swoopy hair in eyes look. A good way to draw his attention is to flash your iphone in his eyes, beiberabes (Beiber Wanabes) absolutely cannot resist shiny technology. It’s also helpful to snag your very own Beiber if you most closely resemble a tween Twilight fan yourself (Team Edward Holla!!). This means if you’re lucky enough to be underweight and sullen, the Beiberabes will be flocking to you in no time! Be warned though ladies, you may want to do a brief “chest brush” or quickly scan lesbianswholooklikejustinbeiber.com from your iphone. Trust us, things get tricky and awkward sometimes after a few appletinis. Believe us.
SATC2 fan
This hottie prefers other hotties of the male persuasion. No, seriously. He doesn’t like you, he likes your gay friend who came to the SATC2 premier with you. Seriously.
We hope our tips on scoring that hottie of summer hottie hotness helps you ladies look as fabulous as possible. Remember, you are only as fashionable as your weakest accessory, don’t let it be the one that buys you drinks. And one final tip for all our lovely loyal stop standing in our light readers, for that extra WHABAM!!! to make your Dreamy McAwkward-O’Face stand out from all the other potential hotties, rub him down with Neutrogena’s SparkleVamp Lotion in Tortured or Tormented. These lotions have just a hint of bronzer and glitter to make your man’s bod shine like Edward Cullen if he weren’t all lame and pasty! Kisses!!!!
-CC ;)
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