Posted on 1:58 PM
Greetings again to all of the BGItches out in that fabulous fashionable Carrie Bradshaw-if-she-weren’t-90-years-old-and-fat universe of fun! How lovely is it to have summer coming onto us like that triple decker swoony face in the back row of your Intro to Shoelace Tying community college class?!?! Speaking of come ons, we here at BGI have conducted some seriously serious research all in the name of science and helping out our loyal readers. So, you may ask yourself, “what is this possibly awesome research that the BGI staff have done?” Well, shut your facehole for a minute and I’ll tell you. Srsly, shut it.
Anyhoo, with this warm sunny weather and your part-time job at Starbucks being totes lame right now we thought it was best to educate you ladies about the hottie hookup dreamyjeans you should be on the lookout for this summer. Now you may ask what’s the difference? A hottie’s a hottie right? WRONG! Hotties are as now as any other shoe, pant, or lipstick. And again, shut your face for a minute and we’ll tell you. Read on Princess BGI!
Heir to fast-food franchise, knock-off shoe factory, or other industry that gainfully employs non-fabulous people.
These boys are easily spotted by their fresh application of hair product and dazzling Ed Hardy outfit. Listen carefully for their mating call which usually begins with “My Dad…”. For example: My dad’s yacht, the one he bought because he owns El Pollo Loco, is docked nearby, wanna make out? Now ladies, looks alone will not tell you whether this guy is legit (meaning for really real in his realness richness) or not. A simple test is to actually make out with him on the yacht, check his phone for Paris Hilton’s phone number (check under Paris Hilton in his contact list), or ask him a trick question. Some good questions include: How many celebrities do you know? What was the price tag for your last birthday party? or, What’s a yacht?
Jersey Shore/The Hills Sexypants
This boy must be tan. Rule #1, tan. Also, shirts revealing his ab definition THROUGH the fabric is an absolute must. Once these rules are met, watch for his particular courting dance. This will include fist pumping, yelling at his bros across the room, and checking his phone for totes now texts about where the bestest after party will be. This hottie will be double-bonused if his bros look exactly like him and they engage in a round of shots followed by even more fist pumps. This boy will most likely be attracted to a girl who is a) tan but not as tan as him and b) is wearing a dress a wee too small for her and shaking her finger in someone’s face. Extra secret tip: swivel your head while shaking your finger in someone’s face! This will get Mr. Orangeface Gymorexic’s phone number in seconds!
Legal Beiber
We all know that the code Q for cutie that is Justin Beiber is just soooooo adorable! What most of you may not know, and why we here at BGI are so helpful, is that The Beibs is only 15 years old. Now in any state that a true BGI in training would be found, 15 is what we call illegal and bad to implement a Rancho Pirate Bend and Flex with. So, our brainy solution here is to find an equally hot but totes legal Beiber Fever of your very own. Be on the watch for super skinny jeans and that oh so magical swoopy hair in eyes look. A good way to draw his attention is to flash your iphone in his eyes, beiberabes (Beiber Wanabes) absolutely cannot resist shiny technology. It’s also helpful to snag your very own Beiber if you most closely resemble a tween Twilight fan yourself (Team Edward Holla!!). This means if you’re lucky enough to be underweight and sullen, the Beiberabes will be flocking to you in no time! Be warned though ladies, you may want to do a brief “chest brush” or quickly scan lesbianswholooklikejustinbeiber.com from your iphone. Trust us, things get tricky and awkward sometimes after a few appletinis. Believe us.
SATC2 fan
This hottie prefers other hotties of the male persuasion. No, seriously. He doesn’t like you, he likes your gay friend who came to the SATC2 premier with you. Seriously.
We hope our tips on scoring that hottie of summer hottie hotness helps you ladies look as fabulous as possible. Remember, you are only as fashionable as your weakest accessory, don’t let it be the one that buys you drinks. And one final tip for all our lovely loyal stop standing in our light readers, for that extra WHABAM!!! to make your Dreamy McAwkward-O’Face stand out from all the other potential hotties, rub him down with Neutrogena’s SparkleVamp Lotion in Tortured or Tormented. These lotions have just a hint of bronzer and glitter to make your man’s bod shine like Edward Cullen if he weren’t all lame and pasty! Kisses!!!!
-CC ;)
Posted on 1:24 PM
1. OPI hypo-allergenic, environmentally-friendly, acetone-free nail polish in Naked Mole Rat
This finger nail polish has literally saved my life…I shit you not loyal BGI followers. This overly neutral and reasonably priced (only $120!) lacquer permanently lives in my purse and has turned my shapely but boring nails into glistening beige sex sticks. I’m not one to overhype things but this nail polish can make your daddy love you.
2. The mega-dress
Last year every BGI girl on the boardwalk made a splash by rocking the IT item of the season, the maxi dress. Well throw those tired dish rags out like last night’s condom wrapper ladies because this summer it is all about the MEGA dress. The Mega is a larger and less shapely version of the maxi but with more material and more pizzazz. Think burka meets parachute and remember that mixed patterns are always better than solids when picking out the Mega for you. Nothing says DAMN GIRL! like a wanton disregard for the temperature or your figure!
3. Baby lamb foreskin clutch
If I am caught one day this summer without my BLFC may Her Majesty Lady Gaga curse me with big pores forever. This is the single most sought after bag on the planet and my connections (and loose morals) scored me one. Now I’m mainly telling you about this magnificent piece of mini mutton manhood so that you can be jealous of my fabooshness because the chances of you “common” folk getting one are smaller than the chances that Lindsay Lohan won’t violate probation. However, if you have even an ounce of BGI running through your veins you will claw, scream, and kick your way into a knock-off version before the day is out.
4. Hand-woven alpaca hair platform sandals
Now with all the hardships that have been going on in the world we at BGI have decided to do our part and promote a cause that is near and dear to our hearts. We did some research and found these beautiful sandals that are made by the native women of a remote tropical island that has been ravaged by economic hardship known as Long Island. They come in many of the native colors of the island, are uncomfortable, impractical for walking in sand, and perfect for boosting your height and your love for your fellow man. They pair nicely with the sexy Bumble and Bumble Sea Spray hair (see below).
5. L’Oreal Eyelash Primer with accompanying Oscillating Mascara Wand
I don’t know about you BGI girls but I have been asking myself how I can get unnaturally dark, thick, and long lashes that stay on all day without having to hassle with messy eyelash glue for sometime now. Its more elusive than the perfect liquid line AMIRIGHT?! Luckily our friends at L’Oreal have been hard at work and have developed even more products for us to buy. Their clump-free guaranteed eyelash primer is smooth and luxurious while the vibrating applicator shakes at a robotic frequency that no human hand could ever replicate. The result: the most amazing God-given eyelashes in the world! This product is an especially great option for the poverty-stricken population who are unable to buy Latisse.
6. Bumble and Bumble Sea Spray
Nothing says “I’m not low maintenance I just look that way” like sexy tousled beachy sun-kissed tresses. I’ve spent many hours trying to replicate the I’m-a-sexy-mermaid-who-just-washed-ashore-to-ravage-you look and Bumble and Bumble’s new Sea Spray has let me achieve it. It is a very sciency and technologically advanced mixture of salt and their patented secret ingredient called H2O that when combined with a few hours of simple prep can transform you into the sea goddess you’ve always longed to be.
7. Neutrogena’s Embryonic Stem Cell-infused Non-greasy Sunscreen
Now it has taken me a few years to finally jump on board with this notion that tanning can cause cancer and aging (and believe me BGI gals I still have my doubts) but to be on the safe side (and more importantly on trend) I have found a must-have sunscreen. This velvety lotion blend’s Neutrogena’s historically fantastic skin care expertise with tiny ground up babies to ensure that your scaly old 24 year-old skin never looks a day over 12. It is a bit on the spendy side at $1000/ounce but I honestly think that if you’re not willing to shell out some cash on having smooth baby-infused skin than you deserve to be barren and alone.
8. Sally sunglasses
Here’s a trend straight from the hipster streets to you, compliments of BGI. These sunglasses, named after their muse Sally Jesse Raphael (no worries BGI babies we weren’t born then either but remember that obscure references make you cool), are the practically falling off the runways of fashion week onto the sunken eyes of those troll-looking girls from Full House. Finding the right pair for your face is a challenge but as long as they are huge, dark, and make you look like an aging police chief you are on the right track. Not only will these shades have skinny jean-wearing lady-faced boys begging for your digits but their sheer size will make your head look small thus make you look thinner. Bonus!
100 Calorie Packs : Any fabulous fun fresh and fantastic girl should know these are a full meal.100 calorie packs should be consumed with a triple tall, double whipped, no cal soy latte with extra foam. For those extra indulgent days, 100 calorie packs (check your local grocery store in the "snacks" aisle) can be eaten with three carrots or a stick of celery. YUM!
BGI- Bad Girls Island: Your source for all things fashion, fun, fabulous, and perfect. Those of us on the BGI team have reached true perfection in all areas of our life. Our mission is to share our knowledge with the world, in hopes of weeding out the uglies and the fatties.
BGI Girl - Our incredibly loyal readers who are slowly working on beautifying the world, one skinny jean and perfect eyeliner job at a time.
BGIHQ-Bad Girl's Island Head Quarters: The uber secrect and oh so fabulous lair that is the birthplace of all things fashionable and flirty. Entry requires a personal invitation marked in blood by the founding foursome as well as a pre-entry personal style consult with Rachel Zoe. Uglies need not apply.
BGIsdom: A term that has a dual meaning. Both the wisdom of BGItches and a state in which one may find themselves after a particularly enthusiastic makey outy session wherein one's Mr. Hotbod Handsomeface uses your face as target practice for his love juice.
Fatty McLosercaboose : A seriously gross person. Usually found in the cubicle next to you at your temp job. FM's are easily identified by their last season shoes, sandwich consumption, and talk of things such as "teenage sons, suburbs, and Lipton Iced Tea" watch out for these women, they will tell you 100 calorie packs are a great snack and the Jonas brothers look sooo young. Scratch their eyes out whenever possible.
Glossy Tresses : Something you should have on your head at all times. Hair is something that should be shiny, sassy, and sleek always. For the latest in hair perfection techniques, subscribe now to BGI!!! No seriously, your hair needs help and we can fix it. Hair is a reflection on the quality of your soul.
Leggings: Totes hot as pants! A true BGI girl can wear leggings without camel toe, butt sweat, or visible fat!
Math: We don't know what this means. But we do know that BGI + Magazine = The Bestest!!
Mr. Hotbod Handsomeface: The dreamiest of swoony boys. Only real BGI Girls can snag this man as he is the only acceptable guy for any of you to be seen with. Revamp his wardrobe and make him ditch all his loser friends! Don't forget to make him feel bad for not reading your mind!
Rancho Pirate Bend and Flex: The premiere hot n' heavy make out move.
Science: We don't know what this means either. Srsly.
Unitards: Why wear two pieces of clothing when you could wear one?! Unleash your inner Gaga and rock this look harder than LiLo going into convulsions from combining RoHIPnol and 2 hair flips at any BGI-approved Hollywood nightclub.
Posted on 9:18 AM
Greetings to all you loyal, skinny, and approaching-perfection-through-your-choice-of-reading-material BGItches! This column was brought to you through many many minutes of research and 16 times through the spell checker after a particularly long night of watching 27 Dresses and purging. But I am a BGI employee of principle and I WILL meet a deadline, eyeliner or no eyeliner (Kidding! There's always time for make up!). Our topic for today focuses on that all important issue of looking good in the media. Now, most of you are either too fat or too ugly to make in onto perezhilton.com (lol-tastic!) but, you still may end up in some family photos or posing with your BFF in front of some historical landmark, like the flagship Neiman Marcus. When it comes time to digital camera your booty, it is essential that you understand how to look your bestest of best at all times. We all know no one wants to look like the smelly kid from third grade in their pictures and if you are not as genetically and fashionably gifted as our BGI staff, these tips will keep you from Facebook black-booking due to heinous imagery.
1. Always act like you are being followed by the paparazzi and being filmed for America's Next Top Model. This will ensure you are walking, talking, eating, and sleeping in full make-up and hair.
2. Eat less. The camera adds ten pounds and we all know your ass is taking up too much space on the planet as it is. Bonus, you can tell your co-workers you are on the BGI-pic diet so they don't question why you keep passing out in the hallway!
3. Black is slimming, white is fattening. So don't get married unless you can pay for some serious airbrushing in the photos.
4. Stand next to something really big so you look totally teeny weeny. A good rule to follow is, is this object big or bigger than the professional football player I am going to give head to then accuse of sexual assault? Any smaller and no way little lady, you will look like Heifer McFlabbypantyline!
5. Ladies, there is a reason we all have the size 4 friend and we all know it's not her personality. If you are in a group shot, make sure you stand next to the fattest or ugliest of your friends. Extra high five if you have a friend that is both!
6. Get really drunk. Nothing brings out your sveltness like a few cosmotinis! Remember to get a really good program for your computer to get red-eye out, clean up your smeared make-up, put your bra back on, and photoshop Brad Pitt in.
Now send us those pics girls! We want to see what kind of sassy darlings are following our tips. Plus, if you mess up, we know what you look like so we can throw scalding soy lattes in your face! Kisses!!!!!!!!
Everybody knows that the most important thing in life is being famous. Nothing is more flattering than everyone else in the world wanting to be just like you. There’s really only one secret to celebutante success, and if you heed my advice, BGI girl, you too can become famous the EASY (pun intended) way!
First, let me tell you how BGI girls do NOT become famous. It is well known that the way to become rich and famous is definitely not through hard work and perseverance. That’s just what those lame, humanitarian-like celebrities want you to think. Let’s be honest, it’s not like you’re actually going to learn a 3-minute long monologue for a Jiffy peanut butter commercial just to get your big break!
Now that we’ve established that, are you ready for the secret to fame???
The secret to fame is putting out…A LOT! It’s not easy being easy, but we all know that sleeping around will seriously get you far in life. Think of how many famous people there are out there. Now think of all the people that know famous people. The likelihood of you sleeping with someone who knows a famous person is higher than Paula Abdul. If you are fortunate to live in the Mecca of celebrities – Los Angeles – then you will surely become famous in a matter of weeks.
Once you sleep yourself into the right circle, all you need to do is get a sex tape leaked and you are IN. It doesn’t matter what you are known for – just that you are known. No one cares if you are talented. You will still get signed by a major record label, or at the very least, get your own reality TV show.
Surely, there will be uber jealous people along the way trying to bring you down. Your fatter, less attractive friends claim to have self-respect, and always say that your promiscuity is a cry for help. This is all a load of total crap. Everyone knows that the reason ugly girls don’t sleep around is because they feel bad about their bodies and no guys will sleep with them anyway. Hot girls like you have no qualms with putting notches on your belt! At least you love yourself enough not to let those fatties get you down.
Now that you’ve dropped your friends like last season’s denim romper, you have nothing holding you back from becoming the next big It Girl. Keep in mind these quick few tips in how to maintain ultra celeb status:
1) Don’t eat! Ever. Srsly. Throw your Lean Cuisines out now. Gross.
2) Go to rehab. Everyone knows that being a celebrity train wreck is the most fabulous celeb status.
3) Tweet alllllll the time!
Don’t forget, when people criticize you for sleeping your way to the top, consider it a compliment! Nobody ever got anywhere by wearing cardigans and keeping their legs closed (a.k.a. being boring!). Good luck, BGI girls!
Nothing in life is more important than being IN.
Whether it's snatching the right kind of studded belt is going to catch the eye of that Nick Jonas look-a-like, or just safe in the tiny cave where hungry polar bears can't fit, science tells us that sticking with what's now and what's in is the only way to be. And no one knows more about the in crowd that us, the bad girls of Bad Girls Island!
Not every girl can be like us and instinctively know the difference between chic and fab and lame and drab, and while to the best of our knowledge this isn't a disability you can get Social security for yet (that bill has been held up in Congress for months now, our BGI Capitol Hill spies tell us), it is something that could mean the difference for your entire life's happiness.
So thank your lucky tube of Kiehl's #1 Vanilla Lip Balm that we were put on this earth in the first place so that your life didn't fall into shambles BGI Girls, because get ready for the official BGI Fall IN List!
IN: Having friends
Remember last fall when emo chic was all the rage? Sure BGI, you could sit in your favorite Starbucks drinking your fave nonfat orange chai tea latte and pretend to write deep poetry and cut yourself in public places. However, not only did it make your parents worry you were suicidal from your Twitter account, but all that not showering got you that written warning at work and the nickname "Smellparts McPitstain of Warmtrashdonia " that just can't seem to shake. So this year, we're putting having friends back on the IN List. Not only will friends tells that your thong is hanging out, but they will also give you hip tips on mascara and hold your hand the next time you have an unexpected pregnancy. Just make sure that they're attractive enough to party with you without bringing down your GQ (Glamour Quotient) but not going to out-hot you on the dancefloor!
IN: Baby Number Two
No, BGI we don't mean the Baby Number Two that you are faced with every morning from you baby, we mean, having a second child! Remember that old Greek Myth about Sisyphus? We don't either, mythology is for geeks. But our point is this: You want to be good enough, and the only way to do that is to keep on rolling that rock uphill. Sure, you finally became a real woman when you got married, but we all know that being a mother is the only way to unlock the secrets of the woman universe. You sealed the Woman Deal when you went through an amazing, beautiful pregnancy that you totally felt like a sexy, natural woman during, and you've lost that baby weight in no time flat (thanks, breastfeeding!) and now you've seemingly got it all, right? Wrong. Research tells us that women who only have one child are 45% less happy and glamorous than women with two children. And look at Angelina, her hotness nearly QUADRUPLED every time she had another baby! Having only one child is so 2002. Get with the times and get your second baby, because being a real woman means NEVER being satisfied with what you have.
IN: Faux Fur
We know what you're thinking, "OMG BGI, the next thing you're going to say is that pleather is good enough!" Well we're obviously not saying that, don't put words in our blog and shut your fat whore mouth (JK, luv u!). The environment and green things are all the rage, and faux fur is the way for you to win major points with the Greenpeace crowd and catch the eye of that Chace Crawford-in-Bikenstocks you've been crushing on all summer. Faux fur is going to be everywhere this fall, from jackets, to merkins, to fake eyelashes! Last year we told you that the ultimate splurge would be on that Phillip Lim authentic Bulgarian Mink cape/tent, but this year it's all about being aware of the world and animals, and recognizing that making sure other people think you care is the only way to go.
IN: Bagels
JK, BGI Girl!
...But seriously, bagels are absolutely NOT in, they're like injecting your body with fat pills that suck away your lovability while they turn your organs into toxic waste.
Stay tuned to this space for more fresh and fun ideas for making the most out of being a person with the ladyparts. Also watch this space at the end of fall for, you guessed it, the only place to go for WHAT'S IN FOR WINTER!
Pop Quiz time, BGI Girls: What gets in the way of getting to your fave weekday morning Pilates class but gets you your weekly Wet Seal fix? Give up? It's your job!
Now we all know that being the fun, flirty, glossy and glamorous BGI girl is a full time job in itself, and everyone knows that every woman in the world works in a cubicle and eats 100 calorie snack packs while secretly doing Kegels and girl push ups on their lunch breaks. But that's not all that fierce and fabulous ladies have in common. We also have to work in other offices with ladies who, let's face it, are bitch roadblocks on the Fierce Highway to Glamorville. Think of them like beta blockers, when your betas need to not be!
We here at BGI know that there are a ton of un-glamorous people who are the creepy incestuous murderers slashing your tires in the "Hills Have Eyes" of your life, so we here have a guide for recognizing - and dealing with - what we here at BGIHQ like to call the Big Four of office downers.
TMI Lady: Nothing creates premature age lines quite like the woman in the cube next to you that is just "blah blah blah me me me me " all day long - and believe us, L'Oreal Paris does NOT make a serum for this! She's talked to you about her latest pap smear, how long it took her to find her Wet N' Wild Creme Blush, and her son's latest hospitalization. Our best advice is to start a blog, because everyone knows that lame people should be talked about in a public forum, and no amount of looking away, not responding, or other super assertive ways of getting her to stop is going to work. Think of it like you're Jane Goodall and TMIL is the gorilla - isn't the world a better place now that we know more about that stuff?
Target Target: We all know this woman. She buys everything from Target (including her new maxi dress, who she's going around telling everyone is Max Azria, although she's failing to mention it's Max Azria - for TARGET! Total lie!), and has the nerve to ask you if your new Marc Jacobs bag was from there. Well BGI, poor people like this are out there. They're not like us, who heart Target for the way cute going out tops you can wear once and for the 2-for-1 sale on Nads, they depend on Target for EVERYTHING. The best thing to do is to give them loose change, clean syringes if you have them, and oftentimes throwing the plastic-wrapped Saltine crackers you get with soup away from you is enough to get them away.
Menopausal Mom: Who are the people in the office who has never seen Gossip Girl AND still uses Sweet N Low? Chances are these are not two different people, it's usually Menopausal Lady. She still works even though she's well over 32, kind of smells like your grandma's linen closet, and she is always amazed by how shiny your hair is (clearly you've been following our tips, Gold Star, BGI!). It's true that she talks about her grandsons all the time, and she's always trying to invite you to backgammon games, which can be such a drag (I mean, doesn't she realize that Saturdays are 3 for 1 tequila shots night??). Time to flip it around, BGI! Remember that ML hasn't been a real woman in decades, probably, and your fresh and flirty style are way enviable. Just soak up all that positive attention (and try to ignore those desperate awkward laughs when she talks about how close to death she is)! Plus ML never misses an episode of American Idol, so when she tries to talk about her favorite episode of Two And A Half Men, you can always distract her with a subtle Bo Bice reference.
Skanky McCopyRoom: You all know this skank. She's the one who goes super ultra overboard on her Britney Spears perfume and spends most of the morning at the copy machine next to the Nick Jonas look-a-like that you're totally crushing on.
This isn't an easy one, BGI girl. What this woman has secretly done is challenge you to a Battle of the Scents, and the victor is always the one with the best fragrance. We have fragrance mixologists on staff 24-7 here at BGIHQ, and they have developed a FOOL PROOF flow chart for out-smelling Fruity McMagazineSample. The secret is choosing the RIGHT celebrity fragance to out-fresh-scent her.
Think of it like the food chain if you catch your workplace rival in one of these fragrances, choose the next highest option and domination - and hotties - are yours:
Jessica Simpson's "Ponies" --> gets trumped by --> Sarah Jessica Parker's "Meadows" ---> Blake Lively's "Apple Pie Made with Splenda"---> Whitney Houston's "I Swear It's Not Crack It's Just Some Flour I Got On My Bathroom Sink From When I Made Bread In There That Time Because The Crock Pot Took Up The Counterspace I Wanted"
That's all for today, BGI Girl. Remember, keep it low carb and glossy! TTYL!
