Bad Girl's Island

HO-liday Prep Time!!!!!!

2011-10-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

We're back after a relaxing extended staycation in Promises for stress and refusing to eat. We gotta say that was one of the bestest of times we spent with our besties, crying, screaming, and tattling on each other for sneaking cosmotinis in. It was like SATC3 only way more fashionable!
Anyhoots (our roomie Gigi taught us that, Shout out to GIGI-LICIOUS) it's time for our prepping for the holidays installment of BGIghtiousness!! As any loyal BGItch would know, Halloween is a totes imports holiday because you gets to be charitable by giving candy to children, thus starting the yo-yo dieting cycle at the right time, AND, most importantly, deciding on that all important Halloween costume should have started in July, while you were still sweating off your winter weight (if you swallow) and we were trapped in a massage chain with the girls from the cutting unit (srsly, scars, gross).
Having the perfectness of perfect Halloween costume is a sure fire way to ensure you have a FABOOSH halloween night filled with tricks (the money making kind) and treats (the money making kind). So sit back, relax, put on your most comfortable extra-small jeggings (it's the weekend, you deserve to be cozy-comfs) and follow this simple formula for dressing your sluttiest....spookiest...no, sluttiest.

BGI-dvise 1: Ask yourself, which celeb is currently crazy? Who has been photoged without undies or kissing someone from the Jersey Shore? The first celeb that comes to mind is a good choice for your costume. HOWEVS!!! Since your friends are uncreative bitches (srsly, you know who you are) they will likely come up with this same costume idea. SO, as a smart BGItch, your must go with the second celeb that meets the above questions. Now, you have almost a month to think about this so take your time, we'll be here.

BGI-dvise 2: The sexy animal formula. What is cuter than an ador-a-ble kitten? A slutty kitten. This costume is way easy ladies. Just think of an animal that is super cutes and then make it your own! If you are one of our prude readers (you know who you are, size smalls) you can also call yourself a "naughty" animal rather than slutty. Examples include, slutty spider, naughty emu, and streetwalking banana slug.

BGI-dvise 3: French maid

BGI-dvise 4: Naughty librarian

BGI-dvise 5: Group costume time! Since we already know any savvy BGI reader will be out on Halloween (and Arbor Day, and the Solstice, and Boxing Day, and Tuesday) with her bestest of best bestie mcbestersons, it makes sooooo much sense to be dressed in a theme so EVERYONE knows the group of sobbing, drunk, pilled out, ounces of fun are out together!!!! Just make sure you all agree on a FABALICIOUS theme and that none of your friends look better than you. Srsly, cut their faces if you have to. We learned that in Promises.

Now get out there and get you some Spooky Spirit! We think the guy in the 2nd Street alley has the best spirit, if you know what I mean. Which you totes do, BGItch!!! Kisses!!!!!!!!!!!

Ho Ho Holidaze!!!!

2010-11-29T16:36:00.000-08:00

Happy Winter BGItches! Now that your pastey ass has settled in for the chilly days of December after refusing to engage in No-Shave November (what BGI-er in her right mind would go without shaving for even a day? Srsly), it's time for that all important column: How to Survive the Winter Holidays BGI Style.
The holidays can be tough for even the BGI-est of us. With all the food and buying better presents for everyone in order to shame them, things can get stressfestival! Not to worry our loyal readers because 1. That causes wrinkles and you're pushing it already and 2. We have all the tips, trips, and techniques you will ever need to get through this December in true BGI Style! Now put an over sized wool cap over your frizzy tresses and get your read on!

Potential Disaster: The Holiday Meal
BGI Solution Revolution! Make this your one meal for the month. That way you have a goal set and you will totes not worry your family with your emaciated frame by eating like you haven't eaten in, well, like three weeks! Bonus, your Prada Jeggings by Taylor Swift will look totes fab sagging off your absence of booty! Other solution revolutions! include laxatives, only eating the salad and a spoonful of stuffing, or converting to a religion that does not celebrate Fatmas!

Potential Disaster: Getting a better present than you gave.
BGI Solution Revolution! Get all your friends fired by "accidentally" posting "those pictures" on Facebook! That way, they will have no money just in time for the holidays and their tears of gratitude for the coin purse you gave them, that came with the make-up gift you bought yourself, will look even shinier and more specially bestest!

Potential Disaster: Meeting your Hottie McBoyfriends' family
BGI Solution Revolution! Well BGI in training, you should have started obsessively stalking them weeks ago, when you first started dating Senor Holiday Loverrrrr. But since you are an idiot, the next best solution is to totes win them over by looking your best. That means, get your hair did, nails done too, AND max out that last credit card on a FABOOSH new dress! Remember, the tighter the dress, the shinier your eyes will be, and thus, the better person you will be! Since you won't have any money left after spending it (rightfully) on your perfect size 00 self, make sure you don't show up with a gift that screams THOUGHTFUL AND PERSONAL. We always suggest a good pregnancy scare because it will ensure you have Mr. Hotbod around your well-polished fingers until New Years and it will test the strength of his family! Just don't go too overboard with it and eat or anything.

Potential Disaster: Getting too drunk at the holiday party and makey outy-ing with a co-worker
BGI Solution Revolution! This depends on who your smooshface buddy is, because we all know there is no such think as getting too drunk on free cosmotinis! If this is someone lesser than you, like the mailroom boy, then promise him a peek at your bra every third Thursday of the month for like 6 months in exchange for silence. If it's your boss, same promise only thong instead of bra. If it's someone equal, make sure it's a married dude so you can blackmail his ass later!

We hope these simple tips stay in your flakey skinned heads. If all else fails BGItches, there's nothing a good percoset and vodka cocktail won't solve! Now get your booty to a tanning salon because we've got a long winter ahead of us! Kisses!

Hot Summer Hook-up Hotties Hotness to Hook-up with this Summer!!!!!!

2010-06-07T13:58:00.000-07:00

Greetings again to all of the BGItches out in that fabulous fashionable Carrie Bradshaw-if-she-weren’t-90-years-old-and-fat universe of fun! How lovely is it to have summer coming onto us like that triple decker swoony face in the back row of your Intro to Shoelace Tying community college class?!?! Speaking of come ons, we here at BGI have conducted some seriously serious research all in the name of science and helping out our loyal readers. So, you may ask yourself, “what is this possibly awesome research that the BGI staff have done?” Well, shut your facehole for a minute and I’ll tell you. Srsly, shut it.
Anyhoo, with this warm sunny weather and your part-time job at Starbucks being totes lame right now we thought it was best to educate you ladies about the hottie hookup dreamyjeans you should be on the lookout for this summer. Now you may ask what’s the difference? A hottie’s a hottie right? WRONG! Hotties are as now as any other shoe, pant, or lipstick. And again, shut your face for a minute and we’ll tell you. Read on Princess BGI!

Heir to fast-food franchise, knock-off shoe factory, or other industry that gainfully employs non-fabulous people.
These boys are easily spotted by their fresh application of hair product and dazzling Ed Hardy outfit. Listen carefully for their mating call which usually begins with “My Dad…”. For example: My dad’s yacht, the one he bought because he owns El Pollo Loco, is docked nearby, wanna make out? Now ladies, looks alone will not tell you whether this guy is legit (meaning for really real in his realness richness) or not. A simple test is to actually make out with him on the yacht, check his phone for Paris Hilton’s phone number (check under Paris Hilton in his contact list), or ask him a trick question. Some good questions include: How many celebrities do you know? What was the price tag for your last birthday party? or, What’s a yacht?

Jersey Shore/The Hills Sexypants
This boy must be tan. Rule #1, tan. Also, shirts revealing his ab definition THROUGH the fabric is an absolute must. Once these rules are met, watch for his particular courting dance. This will include fist pumping, yelling at his bros across the room, and checking his phone for totes now texts about where the bestest after party will be. This hottie will be double-bonused if his bros look exactly like him and they engage in a round of shots followed by even more fist pumps. This boy will most likely be attracted to a girl who is a) tan but not as tan as him and b) is wearing a dress a wee too small for her and shaking her finger in someone’s face. Extra secret tip: swivel your head while shaking your finger in someone’s face! This will get Mr. Orangeface Gymorexic’s phone number in seconds!

Legal Beiber
We all know that the code Q for cutie that is Justin Beiber is just soooooo adorable! What most of you may not know, and why we here at BGI are so helpful, is that The Beibs is only 15 years old. Now in any state that a true BGI in training would be found, 15 is what we call illegal and bad to implement a Rancho Pirate Bend and Flex with. So, our brainy solution here is to find an equally hot but totes legal Beiber Fever of your very own. Be on the watch for super skinny jeans and that oh so magical swoopy hair in eyes look. A good way to draw his attention is to flash your iphone in his eyes, beiberabes (Beiber Wanabes) absolutely cannot resist shiny technology. It’s also helpful to snag your very own Beiber if you most closely resemble a tween Twilight fan yourself (Team Edward Holla!!). This means if you’re lucky enough to be underweight and sullen, the Beiberabes will be flocking to you in no time! Be warned though ladies, you may want to do a brief “chest brush” or quickly scan lesbianswholooklikejustinbeiber.com from your iphone. Trust us, things get tricky and awkward sometimes after a few appletinis. Believe us.

SATC2 fan
This hottie prefers other hotties of the male persuasion. No, seriously. He doesn’t like you, he likes your gay friend who came to the SATC2 premier with you. Seriously.

We hope our tips on scoring that hottie of summer hottie hotness helps you ladies look as fabulous as possible. Remember, you are only as fashionable as your weakest accessory, don’t let it be the one that buys you drinks. And one final tip for all our lovely loyal stop standing in our light readers, for that extra WHABAM!!! to make your Dreamy McAwkward-O’Face stand out from all the other potential hotties, rub him down with Neutrogena’s SparkleVamp Lotion in Tortured or Tormented. These lotions have just a hint of bronzer and glitter to make your man’s bod shine like Edward Cullen if he weren’t all lame and pasty! Kisses!!!!

-CC ;)

8 Must-haves for Summer

2010-05-26T13:24:00.000-07:00

1. OPI hypo-allergenic, environmentally-friendly, acetone-free nail polish in Naked Mole Rat
This finger nail polish has literally saved my life…I shit you not loyal BGI followers. This overly neutral and reasonably priced (only $120!) lacquer permanently lives in my purse and has turned my shapely but boring nails into glistening beige sex sticks. I’m not one to overhype things but this nail polish can make your daddy love you.

2. The mega-dress
Last year every BGI girl on the boardwalk made a splash by rocking the IT item of the season, the maxi dress. Well throw those tired dish rags out like last night’s condom wrapper ladies because this summer it is all about the MEGA dress. The Mega is a larger and less shapely version of the maxi but with more material and more pizzazz. Think burka meets parachute and remember that mixed patterns are always better than solids when picking out the Mega for you. Nothing says DAMN GIRL! like a wanton disregard for the temperature or your figure!

3. Baby lamb foreskin clutch
If I am caught one day this summer without my BLFC may Her Majesty Lady Gaga curse me with big pores forever. This is the single most sought after bag on the planet and my connections (and loose morals) scored me one. Now I’m mainly telling you about this magnificent piece of mini mutton manhood so that you can be jealous of my fabooshness because the chances of you “common” folk getting one are smaller than the chances that Lindsay Lohan won’t violate probation. However, if you have even an ounce of BGI running through your veins you will claw, scream, and kick your way into a knock-off version before the day is out.

4. Hand-woven alpaca hair platform sandals
Now with all the hardships that have been going on in the world we at BGI have decided to do our part and promote a cause that is near and dear to our hearts. We did some research and found these beautiful sandals that are made by the native women of a remote tropical island that has been ravaged by economic hardship known as Long Island. They come in many of the native colors of the island, are uncomfortable, impractical for walking in sand, and perfect for boosting your height and your love for your fellow man. They pair nicely with the sexy Bumble and Bumble Sea Spray hair (see below).

5. L’Oreal Eyelash Primer with accompanying Oscillating Mascara Wand
I don’t know about you BGI girls but I have been asking myself how I can get unnaturally dark, thick, and long lashes that stay on all day without having to hassle with messy eyelash glue for sometime now. Its more elusive than the perfect liquid line AMIRIGHT?! Luckily our friends at L’Oreal have been hard at work and have developed even more products for us to buy. Their clump-free guaranteed eyelash primer is smooth and luxurious while the vibrating applicator shakes at a robotic frequency that no human hand could ever replicate. The result: the most amazing God-given eyelashes in the world! This product is an especially great option for the poverty-stricken population who are unable to buy Latisse.

6. Bumble and Bumble Sea Spray
Nothing says “I’m not low maintenance I just look that way” like sexy tousled beachy sun-kissed tresses. I’ve spent many hours trying to replicate the I’m-a-sexy-mermaid-who-just-washed-ashore-to-ravage-you look and Bumble and Bumble’s new Sea Spray has let me achieve it. It is a very sciency and technologically advanced mixture of salt and their patented secret ingredient called H2O that when combined with a few hours of simple prep can transform you into the sea goddess you’ve always longed to be.

7. Neutrogena’s Embryonic Stem Cell-infused Non-greasy Sunscreen
Now it has taken me a few years to finally jump on board with this notion that tanning can cause cancer and aging (and believe me BGI gals I still have my doubts) but to be on the safe side (and more importantly on trend) I have found a must-have sunscreen. This velvety lotion blend’s Neutrogena’s historically fantastic skin care expertise with tiny ground up babies to ensure that your scaly old 24 year-old skin never looks a day over 12. It is a bit on the spendy side at $1000/ounce but I honestly think that if you’re not willing to shell out some cash on having smooth baby-infused skin than you deserve to be barren and alone.

8. Sally sunglasses
Here’s a trend straight from the hipster streets to you, compliments of BGI. These sunglasses, named after their muse Sally Jesse Raphael (no worries BGI babies we weren’t born then either but remember that obscure references make you cool), are the practically falling off the runways of fashion week onto the sunken eyes of those troll-looking girls from Full House. Finding the right pair for your face is a challenge but as long as they are huge, dark, and make you look like an aging police chief you are on the right track. Not only will these shades have skinny jean-wearing lady-faced boys begging for your digits but their sheer size will make your head look small thus make you look thinner. Bonus!

BGI Glossary of Terms

2010-03-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

100 Calorie Packs : Any fabulous fun fresh and fantastic girl should know these are a full meal.100 calorie packs should be consumed with a triple tall, double whipped, no cal soy latte with extra foam. For those extra indulgent days, 100 calorie packs (check your local grocery store in the "snacks" aisle) can be eaten with three carrots or a stick of celery. YUM!

BGI- Bad Girls Island: Your source for all things fashion, fun, fabulous, and perfect. Those of us on the BGI team have reached true perfection in all areas of our life. Our mission is to share our knowledge with the world, in hopes of weeding out the uglies and the fatties.

BGI Girl - Our incredibly loyal readers who are slowly working on beautifying the world, one skinny jean and perfect eyeliner job at a time.

BGIHQ-Bad Girl's Island Head Quarters: The uber secrect and oh so fabulous lair that is the birthplace of all things fashionable and flirty. Entry requires a personal invitation marked in blood by the founding foursome as well as a pre-entry personal style consult with Rachel Zoe. Uglies need not apply.

BGIsdom: A term that has a dual meaning. Both the wisdom of BGItches and a state in which one may find themselves after a particularly enthusiastic makey outy session wherein one's Mr. Hotbod Handsomeface uses your face as target practice for his love juice.

Fatty McLosercaboose : A seriously gross person. Usually found in the cubicle next to you at your temp job. FM's are easily identified by their last season shoes, sandwich consumption, and talk of things such as "teenage sons, suburbs, and Lipton Iced Tea" watch out for these women, they will tell you 100 calorie packs are a great snack and the Jonas brothers look sooo young. Scratch their eyes out whenever possible.

Glossy Tresses : Something you should have on your head at all times. Hair is something that should be shiny, sassy, and sleek always. For the latest in hair perfection techniques, subscribe now to BGI!!! No seriously, your hair needs help and we can fix it. Hair is a reflection on the quality of your soul.

Leggings: Totes hot as pants! A true BGI girl can wear leggings without camel toe, butt sweat, or visible fat!

Math: We don't know what this means. But we do know that BGI + Magazine = The Bestest!!

Mr. Hotbod Handsomeface: The dreamiest of swoony boys. Only real BGI Girls can snag this man as he is the only acceptable guy for any of you to be seen with. Revamp his wardrobe and make him ditch all his loser friends! Don't forget to make him feel bad for not reading your mind!

Rancho Pirate Bend and Flex: The premiere hot n' heavy make out move.

Science: We don't know what this means either. Srsly.

Unitards: Why wear two pieces of clothing when you could wear one?! Unleash your inner Gaga and rock this look harder than LiLo going into convulsions from combining RoHIPnol and 2 hair flips at any BGI-approved Hollywood nightclub.

Tips for the Pics and Flix!

2009-09-29T09:18:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all you loyal, skinny, and approaching-perfection-through-your-choice-of-reading-material BGItches! This column was brought to you through many many minutes of research and 16 times through the spell checker after a particularly long night of watching 27 Dresses and purging. But I am a BGI employee of principle and I WILL meet a deadline, eyeliner or no eyeliner (Kidding! There's always time for make up!). Our topic for today focuses on that all important issue of looking good in the media. Now, most of you are either too fat or too ugly to make in onto perezhilton.com (lol-tastic!) but, you still may end up in some family photos or posing with your BFF in front of some historical landmark, like the flagship Neiman Marcus. When it comes time to digital camera your booty, it is essential that you understand how to look your bestest of best at all times. We all know no one wants to look like the smelly kid from third grade in their pictures and if you are not as genetically and fashionably gifted as our BGI staff, these tips will keep you from Facebook black-booking due to heinous imagery.

1. Always act like you are being followed by the paparazzi and being filmed for America's Next Top Model. This will ensure you are walking, talking, eating, and sleeping in full make-up and hair.
2. Eat less. The camera adds ten pounds and we all know your ass is taking up too much space on the planet as it is. Bonus, you can tell your co-workers you are on the BGI-pic diet so they don't question why you keep passing out in the hallway!
3. Black is slimming, white is fattening. So don't get married unless you can pay for some serious airbrushing in the photos.
4. Stand next to something really big so you look totally teeny weeny. A good rule to follow is, is this object big or bigger than the professional football player I am going to give head to then accuse of sexual assault? Any smaller and no way little lady, you will look like Heifer McFlabbypantyline!
5. Ladies, there is a reason we all have the size 4 friend and we all know it's not her personality. If you are in a group shot, make sure you stand next to the fattest or ugliest of your friends. Extra high five if you have a friend that is both!
6. Get really drunk. Nothing brings out your sveltness like a few cosmotinis! Remember to get a really good program for your computer to get red-eye out, clean up your smeared make-up, put your bra back on, and photoshop Brad Pitt in.

Now send us those pics girls! We want to see what kind of sassy darlings are following our tips. Plus, if you mess up, we know what you look like so we can throw scalding soy lattes in your face! Kisses!!!!!!!!

How to Become Famous the BGI Way

2009-09-23T20:12:00.000-07:00

Everybody knows that the most important thing in life is being famous. Nothing is more flattering than everyone else in the world wanting to be just like you. There’s really only one secret to celebutante success, and if you heed my advice, BGI girl, you too can become famous the EASY (pun intended) way!

First, let me tell you how BGI girls do NOT become famous. It is well known that the way to become rich and famous is definitely not through hard work and perseverance. That’s just what those lame, humanitarian-like celebrities want you to think. Let’s be honest, it’s not like you’re actually going to learn a 3-minute long monologue for a Jiffy peanut butter commercial just to get your big break!

Now that we’ve established that, are you ready for the secret to fame???

The secret to fame is putting out…A LOT! It’s not easy being easy, but we all know that sleeping around will seriously get you far in life. Think of how many famous people there are out there. Now think of all the people that know famous people. The likelihood of you sleeping with someone who knows a famous person is higher than Paula Abdul. If you are fortunate to live in the Mecca of celebrities – Los Angeles – then you will surely become famous in a matter of weeks.

Once you sleep yourself into the right circle, all you need to do is get a sex tape leaked and you are IN. It doesn’t matter what you are known for – just that you are known. No one cares if you are talented. You will still get signed by a major record label, or at the very least, get your own reality TV show.

Surely, there will be uber jealous people along the way trying to bring you down. Your fatter, less attractive friends claim to have self-respect, and always say that your promiscuity is a cry for help. This is all a load of total crap. Everyone knows that the reason ugly girls don’t sleep around is because they feel bad about their bodies and no guys will sleep with them anyway. Hot girls like you have no qualms with putting notches on your belt! At least you love yourself enough not to let those fatties get you down.

Now that you’ve dropped your friends like last season’s denim romper, you have nothing holding you back from becoming the next big It Girl. Keep in mind these quick few tips in how to maintain ultra celeb status:

1) Don’t eat! Ever. Srsly. Throw your Lean Cuisines out now. Gross.

2) Go to rehab. Everyone knows that being a celebrity train wreck is the most fabulous celeb status.

3) Tweet alllllll the time!

Don’t forget, when people criticize you for sleeping your way to the top, consider it a compliment! Nobody ever got anywhere by wearing cardigans and keeping their legs closed (a.k.a. being boring!). Good luck, BGI girls!

This Just 'In': What's In For Fall!

2009-09-17T13:19:00.000-07:00

Nothing in life is more important than being IN.

Whether it's snatching the right kind of studded belt is going to catch the eye of that Nick Jonas look-a-like, or just safe in the tiny cave where hungry polar bears can't fit, science tells us that sticking with what's now and what's in is the only way to be. And no one knows more about the in crowd that us, the bad girls of Bad Girls Island!

Not every girl can be like us and instinctively know the difference between chic and fab and lame and drab, and while to the best of our knowledge this isn't a disability you can get Social security for yet (that bill has been held up in Congress for months now, our BGI Capitol Hill spies tell us), it is something that could mean the difference for your entire life's happiness.

So thank your lucky tube of Kiehl's #1 Vanilla Lip Balm that we were put on this earth in the first place so that your life didn't fall into shambles BGI Girls, because get ready for the official BGI Fall IN List!

IN: Having friends

Remember last fall when emo chic was all the rage? Sure BGI, you could sit in your favorite Starbucks drinking your fave nonfat orange chai tea latte and pretend to write deep poetry and cut yourself in public places. However, not only did it make your parents worry you were suicidal from your Twitter account, but all that not showering got you that written warning at work and the nickname "Smellparts McPitstain of Warmtrashdonia " that just can't seem to shake. So this year, we're putting having friends back on the IN List. Not only will friends tells that your thong is hanging out, but they will also give you hip tips on mascara and hold your hand the next time you have an unexpected pregnancy. Just make sure that they're attractive enough to party with you without bringing down your GQ (Glamour Quotient) but not going to out-hot you on the dancefloor!

IN: Baby Number Two

No, BGI we don't mean the Baby Number Two that you are faced with every morning from you baby, we mean, having a second child! Remember that old Greek Myth about Sisyphus? We don't either, mythology is for geeks. But our point is this: You want to be good enough, and the only way to do that is to keep on rolling that rock uphill. Sure, you finally became a real woman when you got married, but we all know that being a mother is the only way to unlock the secrets of the woman universe. You sealed the Woman Deal when you went through an amazing, beautiful pregnancy that you totally felt like a sexy, natural woman during, and you've lost that baby weight in no time flat (thanks, breastfeeding!) and now you've seemingly got it all, right? Wrong. Research tells us that women who only have one child are 45% less happy and glamorous than women with two children. And look at Angelina, her hotness nearly QUADRUPLED every time she had another baby! Having only one child is so 2002. Get with the times and get your second baby, because being a real woman means NEVER being satisfied with what you have.

IN: Faux Fur

We know what you're thinking, "OMG BGI, the next thing you're going to say is that pleather is good enough!" Well we're obviously not saying that, don't put words in our blog and shut your fat whore mouth (JK, luv u!). The environment and green things are all the rage, and faux fur is the way for you to win major points with the Greenpeace crowd and catch the eye of that Chace Crawford-in-Bikenstocks you've been crushing on all summer. Faux fur is going to be everywhere this fall, from jackets, to merkins, to fake eyelashes! Last year we told you that the ultimate splurge would be on that Phillip Lim authentic Bulgarian Mink cape/tent, but this year it's all about being aware of the world and animals, and recognizing that making sure other people think you care is the only way to go.

IN: Bagels

JK, BGI Girl!

...But seriously, bagels are absolutely NOT in, they're like injecting your body with fat pills that suck away your lovability while they turn your organs into toxic waste.

Stay tuned to this space for more fresh and fun ideas for making the most out of being a person with the ladyparts. Also watch this space at the end of fall for, you guessed it, the only place to go for WHAT'S IN FOR WINTER!

Working 9-5 and loving it!

2009-09-16T13:50:00.000-07:00

Pop Quiz time, BGI Girls: What gets in the way of getting to your fave weekday morning Pilates class but gets you your weekly Wet Seal fix? Give up? It's your job!

Now we all know that being the fun, flirty, glossy and glamorous BGI girl is a full time job in itself, and everyone knows that every woman in the world works in a cubicle and eats 100 calorie snack packs while secretly doing Kegels and girl push ups on their lunch breaks. But that's not all that fierce and fabulous ladies have in common. We also have to work in other offices with ladies who, let's face it, are bitch roadblocks on the Fierce Highway to Glamorville. Think of them like beta blockers, when your betas need to not be!

We here at BGI know that there are a ton of un-glamorous people who are the creepy incestuous murderers slashing your tires in the "Hills Have Eyes" of your life, so we here have a guide for recognizing - and dealing with - what we here at BGIHQ like to call the Big Four of office downers.

TMI Lady: Nothing creates premature age lines quite like the woman in the cube next to you that is just "blah blah blah me me me me " all day long - and believe us, L'Oreal Paris does NOT make a serum for this! She's talked to you about her latest pap smear, how long it took her to find her Wet N' Wild Creme Blush, and her son's latest hospitalization. Our best advice is to start a blog, because everyone knows that lame people should be talked about in a public forum, and no amount of looking away, not responding, or other super assertive ways of getting her to stop is going to work. Think of it like you're Jane Goodall and TMIL is the gorilla - isn't the world a better place now that we know more about that stuff?

Target Target: We all know this woman. She buys everything from Target (including her new maxi dress, who she's going around telling everyone is Max Azria, although she's failing to mention it's Max Azria - for TARGET! Total lie!), and has the nerve to ask you if your new Marc Jacobs bag was from there. Well BGI, poor people like this are out there. They're not like us, who heart Target for the way cute going out tops you can wear once and for the 2-for-1 sale on Nads, they depend on Target for EVERYTHING. The best thing to do is to give them loose change, clean syringes if you have them, and oftentimes throwing the plastic-wrapped Saltine crackers you get with soup away from you is enough to get them away.

Menopausal Mom: Who are the people in the office who has never seen Gossip Girl AND still uses Sweet N Low? Chances are these are not two different people, it's usually Menopausal Lady. She still works even though she's well over 32, kind of smells like your grandma's linen closet, and she is always amazed by how shiny your hair is (clearly you've been following our tips, Gold Star, BGI!). It's true that she talks about her grandsons all the time, and she's always trying to invite you to backgammon games, which can be such a drag (I mean, doesn't she realize that Saturdays are 3 for 1 tequila shots night??). Time to flip it around, BGI! Remember that ML hasn't been a real woman in decades, probably, and your fresh and flirty style are way enviable. Just soak up all that positive attention (and try to ignore those desperate awkward laughs when she talks about how close to death she is)! Plus ML never misses an episode of American Idol, so when she tries to talk about her favorite episode of Two And A Half Men, you can always distract her with a subtle Bo Bice reference.

Skanky McCopyRoom: You all know this skank. She's the one who goes super ultra overboard on her Britney Spears perfume and spends most of the morning at the copy machine next to the Nick Jonas look-a-like that you're totally crushing on.

This isn't an easy one, BGI girl. What this woman has secretly done is challenge you to a Battle of the Scents, and the victor is always the one with the best fragrance. We have fragrance mixologists on staff 24-7 here at BGIHQ, and they have developed a FOOL PROOF flow chart for out-smelling Fruity McMagazineSample. The secret is choosing the RIGHT celebrity fragance to out-fresh-scent her.

Think of it like the food chain if you catch your workplace rival in one of these fragrances, choose the next highest option and domination - and hotties - are yours:

Jessica Simpson's "Ponies" --> gets trumped by --> Sarah Jessica Parker's "Meadows" ---> Blake Lively's "Apple Pie Made with Splenda"---> Whitney Houston's "I Swear It's Not Crack It's Just Some Flour I Got On My Bathroom Sink From When I Made Bread In There That Time Because The Crock Pot Took Up The Counterspace I Wanted"

That's all for today, BGI Girl. Remember, keep it low carb and glossy! TTYL!

Keep the Party Going BGI Stylie!!!!!

2009-09-14T16:22:00.000-07:00

Ladies Ladies Ladies! Fall is upon us and the Hot Mess Express that is BGI would like to drown your No-More-Summer Blues in true Bad Girls Island Hottie style! Now, we here at BGI are all for limiting your alcohol intake for the simple reason that it will turn you into a bloated, festering Fatty McLosercaboose and we will be forced to withdraw your subscription privileges! Nobody wants that, especially that somebody (Moi) who needsneedsneeds this seasons Louboutins ;) But, since we here at the always hip, fashionable, and otherwise better than you BGI office understand that you and your BFF need to unwind 6-10 times a week, we have a few tips for how to get your party on without forcing us to post your measurements on Facebook!

So, BGI reader, you may be asking yourself, "What is it that Ms. Chick here could possibly suggest that would replace my Double Tall Extra Fruity/Dirty Cosmotini with a dash of Yak's Milk, shaken, with lime, lemon, AND extra cherries?" Excellent question BGI fan. I am here to tell you that you can still have that drink (just one though bitch, we're watching), lose some poundage, and have a great though most likely blurred time! The answer lies in just a few simple color rules. Write them down in your pink sequined Hello Kitty Blackberry under the title BGI + Pills = Woot! Here we go ladies!

Blue - this little pill will perk you up for about 20 minutes, then prompt you to want to kill cats and wear them as hats. To avoid any mess, or worse puffy allergy eyes, simply take another. Repeat until you are convinced your eyebrows are eating your forehead then sashay your booty to the closest bathtub for a little nap.

Red - normally this one will make you sleep like the Sleeping Beauty you could be if you stopped eating full fat yogurt. We here at BGI, after many many months of research, have discovered that if you combine this with pickle juice and a dash of Quaker State motor oil (ask your boyfriend what this is) the sensation of Paris Hiltonesque glamour washes over you. Be warned ladies, you might want to go commando with this one (we're just saying).

Yellow - this one is most likely a roofie. If you take this little fun bucket be sure your girls are there to document your every rambling, stumbling moment. These are the memories that you will treasure forever, so make sure they are posted on Facebook AS-to the-AP!

and finally

Viagra - if it works for the boys it has to work for the girls because we are all people and stuff. This one is especially important if you have taken any of the lovely yellow dolls!

Now get out there ladies and keep the warmth of summer alive! Kisses!!!

Bad Girls' Good Advice - Post #1!

2009-09-13T18:33:00.001-07:00

We here at Bad Girls Island are always getting asked advice from troubled BGITs (Bad Girls In Training) about how to solve life’s toughest problems, and how to up their fabulous from a Level Lohan to Level Klum, and obvs we know all about how to use the glamour compass to find the true north of sassy and eventually reach the continental divide of, you guessed it, Bad Girls Island (population: us!)

So what’s a BGI Girl to do when life throws some way tricky dilemms? Put down the full fat cream cheese and stop cutting (in visible places), BGI Girl, because now you can get real answers to your to your trickiest troubles causing not-hot age lines!

Presenting our newest feature, Bad Girl’s Good Advice!

A few deets on our way rad advice columnist: She is a way savvy, sexy, flirty, fabulous bad girl who has a doctorate in jiggy with a master’s in sassy with a special concentration in straight talk! She always eats well balanced meals and has never had a split end ever (as if we’d want advice from people who didn’t live the ultimate Bad Girls Island lifestyle!

So let’s get right to the first round of questions, submitted by our readers in need of three-hook 24-hour underwire EMOTIONAL support!

Dear BGI:

I’m a 23 year old BGI devotee who just can’t seem to drop those last five pounds to fit into my new BCBG size 0 turquoise skinny jeans! I do everything, I diet, I exercise, but it just doesn’t work! My boyfriend of three weeks dumped me last week and I just know it’s because of my hideous extra poundage! My best girlfriends are telling me that I’m way hot and that I don’t need to lose any weight, and my Facebook pics always get a lot of “likes” from my main gays, but I just know something’s wrong! What do I do? – Kaitlyn, 23, Long Island

Dear Kaitlyn,

First of all, you better heed my advice soon, because our BGI Style Forecasters are predicting that turquoise will be SO out for fall, and true BGI devotees are always working on being an It Girl, but whoever heard of aspiring to be an OUT girl?

Also, you have to remember that at your age your body is starting to store weight in your tummy and rear end in preparation for dying, which is what we know from science, and is also probably why you lost that Nick Jonas look-a-like, all that weight has him thinking about death, which is totally NOT a turn-on!

But there’s good news out there too, science isn’t always right. There are a ton of way hot celebrites at a totally healthy weight even though they’re way old. How could this be?

If you want to fit into those jeans – and win back that major hottie you missed out on – you should remember that the inability to lose weight is connected to your value as a person. Good people simply don’t gain weight, and our research has shown that, time and time again. Angelina Jolie is often photographed hanging around poor people and went to Africa that time to be around the hungry African children, and she’s always super-fit (except for that time when she was pregnant, but we all go through dark times). Even way old celebs like Cate Blanchett are always at a healthy, curvy weight, and she portrayed Queen Elizabeth, and other historical people, which is way educating.

Also, stay away from the B-to-the-itches in your life who are obvs trying to sabotage you by telling you not to look your best. Real friends would agree that your weight is just about disgusting, and that you absolutely need to be less Rubenesque – more like REUBEN-esque! Clearly your besties want you to be bigger so THEY can look smaller, which is a totes brills way look thinner, so try turning the tables on them by simple tricks like replacing their Diet Coke cans with full fattening Coke, surprising them at work with donuts, or drugging them with sedatives and intravenously injecting them with butter!

Following these tips are the only way to be, so get out there and be the best you possible!
If you have a question that you’d like to see answered by our amazing Bad Girl’s advice column, Twitter us at, you guessed it: twitter.com/BadGirlsIsland!

Are YOU a Savvy Shopper?

2009-09-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

Get ready BGI gal because it’s time for your favorite part of the blogazine…the quiz!!!!! What better way to find out which one of the three vague and very polarized categories you fall into on the big spectrum of life? Today’s topic: SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. You’re elbows deep in the sale rack at Forever 21 and you see a major skank eye-balling the same super cute unitard you’ve been crushing on. You:
A. Let her have it and buy yourself a Venti, non-fat, no whip, sugar-free, decaf, extra hot, mochaccino as a consolation prize. (1 pt)
B. Throw your keys to the left to distract her with something shiny and swoop in for the steal. (2 pt)
C. Forcefully claim your Lycra onesie and tell that bitch she should consider herself lucky for not making your ruin your $70 manicure. (3 pt)

2. After spending 4 hours at Sephora finding the exact shade of lip stain that Katy Perry was wearing on her album cover you realize that it costs more than you make in tips at FroYo City. You:
A. Compliment the Sephora clerk on his creamy complexion and toss him some fro yo coupons in the hope that he’ll slip you his employee discount. (2 pt)
B. Admit defeat, settle for the lip slick that Jordan wore for her latest book signing, and hope that your crush won’t notice. (1 pt)
C. Find an old man in the food court and show him just enough cleavage to ensure he’ll buy you your perfect pucker potion. (3 pt)

3. Your besties would describe your shopping style as:
A. Ruthless. To you the word SALE is synonymous with poor, you once pouted for a week before your dad caved and bought you your “medically necessary” Botox injections, and your credit card company is scared of you. (3 pt)
B. Fierce and frugal. Yeah you splurged on that Yves Saint Laurent faux wrap-style peasant skirt, but you know how to work a coupon book and have a knack for flawlessly accessorizing your favorite Target sequined jacket. (2 pt)
C. You may not be up on all the latest fashion trends but you are an avid believer in Ross’s “designer event sale” and can walk away from a flea market with an arm full of flashy vintage realtor jackets that would make anyone jealous. (1 pt)

RESULTS
(7-9 points)
The last time you used restraint was when you tied up your hair stylist because she tried to give you Jennifer Anniston highlights and not Lauren Conrad highlights. You sit firmly in the camp of people that believe “fashionista” is a word and that calling something “fierce” means it is trendy. Bravo queen bee! Keep it up and your passion for couture will make Blair Waldorf look like a bag lady.

(4-6 points)
You’re perfect. You win at life. Pick up your prize at the cashier’s booth.

(0-3 points)
Sure your friends say you look a little like Ugly Betty and cats follow you home but you know deep down that it is their way of complimenting your quirky Appalachian Bo-Ho chic style. Don’t give up your dream that acid wash will come back into fashion and hang on to your Hypercolor T-shirts just in case, but don’t be afraid to indulge at Vanity once in a while on some of those cool jeans with leather stitching up the sides. Animal print never dies!

Slim Down The Bad Girls Island Way!

2009-08-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

Hey BGI Gal!

Too many Lean Cuisines and not enough Crystal Light this summer? Time to trim that plushy frame of yours back to Bad Girls Island standards! Keep these 5 tips in mind, and your bod will be back to hottie status in no time!

1. Toss all that pesky solid food from your cupboards! If you can chew it, it can go right to your hips! And let's face it, your hips are huge enough as it is.

2. Restaurant tip: Order iced tea but eat off the plates of your friends. It's not fattening if you didn't pay for it!

3. Stock your purse with 100 calorie snack packs. This is the only acceptable way to consume any amount of calories.

4. Plaster your cubicle with pictures of the food you REALLY want to be eating. Pretty soon your brain will think you ACTUALLY consumed that Ruby Tuesday's burger!

5. Only eat every three days. And when you do eat, make sure it's green, leafy vegetables. That come in 100 calorie packs. (See #3).

Follow this diet plan and you'll be back to your pre-slob weight in a flash. Here's to you, BGI Girl!

What to look for in the man of your dreams.

2009-08-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

Ok ladies,

It's time to put on your thinking caps and decide what that special someone in you life should have. I don't mean characteristics or qualities, because, let's face it, who gives a rats ass if he's intelligent? No one sees that when your man candy is walking down the street! Here's some pointers for spotting the guy who will boost your innate value.

1. Hair - a shellacked look is an ideal reflection of a guys soul. The more Axe product a man has in his locks the better. Trust me, you want to see that shiny mane glinting in the sun from miles away. On that note, let's move on to...

2. Sunglasses - Your life partner should have a minimum of two pairs of aviator frames and at least one pair of up to the minute fashion in eye wear. This is important so you can gaze upon his gloriousness while simultaneously checking for food in your teeth. Also, a good pair of aviator lenses will protect his eyesight from the sparkle his hair puts forth. Your man must wear his shades at all times, both indoors and outdoors. Nothing says "I am the epitome of cool" like wearing shades during dinner at Jakes.

3. Clothing - A man's shirt is a reflection of his current emotional state. For example, a polo with a popped collar says "I'm the sensitive guy you want sitting in the living room with your dad, drinking beers and talking about the glory days of bagging babes" combined with flip flops (or "mandals" as any marriage worthy guy should call them), this look says, "I'm sensitive to your needs and care about puppies and other shit". Any shirt that contains one or all of the following: leopard print, pink stitching, velour, gold lame, references to drinking or penis size, or Ed Hardy, is a sure sign that this man just broke up with his latest ho and is looking for a lifetime commitment at the local club. This man will not only rub his crotch vigorously on you and call it "dancing", he will most likely buy you a fancy cocktail (ie, a "pantydropper").

4. Drinking - Any man that offers to buy you a shot is pure gold. In order to keep his eyes only on you (for at least 5 minutes) it is best to order a shot that indicates your talents in either Sapphic experimentation or oral pleasure. To that end. please memorize the following sentences to utilize when clubbing with the future father of your children. "Hey girls! Let's do some body shots! WOOOOOOOO!" or "I want to try a Blow Job shot just to see if I can do it with no hands (giggle). WOOOOOOO!"

Now be warned ladies, in order to keep a man of this stature in your life you must prepare yourself. You must never ever be seen without full makeup and hair. Nails shorter than half an inch are unacceptable. You must be prepared to share his glory with other women (don't worry, he loves you, that's why you guys don't need to use a condom) while simultaneously keeping yourself entirely devoted to him. Vomiting and/or urinating in your bed is a sign of trust and eternal commitment.

I hope this has been helpful in your quest for true love. Keep at it ladies and you too will have an Abercrombie and Fitch assistant manager of your very own someday.

5 Ways to Get a Hot Summer Hook-up

2009-08-11T21:27:00.000-07:00

Summer is almost over BGI girl and from the looks of things we need to up the desperation factor in order for you to snag a man. Our overwhelmingly superior, beautiful, happy, fertile, and successful writers have put together this list to help you maximize your makey-outy moves!

1. Rub some mayo, eggs, and vinegar in your hair. Not only will it give your tresses a super sassy sexy smoldery savvy simple shine but it will make you smell like a salad which will remind him of food. Double win!

2. Tape a picture of Megan Fox to your face. What guy can resist this sex kitten? Meow!

3. While out at a bar with your closest besties simply cross one leg over the other, flip your tresses, look at your fingernails constantly, and swivel your head back and forth like you are silently saying "Oh no she didn't!" Guys are very visual and with this body language you will have his digits in no time!

4. No time for a pedicure and you are bound to run into Mr. Hotbod Handsomeface? Don't stress, just grab 400 salt packets from the cafeteria and combine them with the oil in the orange peel from your lunch. Instant pedi!
Bonus tip: Splash some of the juice from the orange on your face to enhance the glow of your skin.

5. Get really drunk.

Now go get 'em BGI girl!

From the Editor

2009-08-11T21:16:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the inaugural issue of Bad Girl's Island the Magazine! This blog (or blogazine as I like to call it) is a forum for you sassy sexy ladies to vent and learn how to function in totally normal situations because you obviously can't figure out what guys find appealing without some kind of countdown or list. So get ready to learn how to get a killer armpit shave while simultaneously giving a man the most amazing orgasm of his life because no one knows this shit better than the bitches of Bad Girl's Island!

Bad Girl's Island Staff Bios

2009-08-05T11:32:00.000-07:00

Meet the brains behind the blogazine

Katy
Katy’s flare for the fabulous was destined from birth because she is the love child of world famous fashion designer Jean Lacriouax and a super model who accidentally ovulated once. Her glamour quotient steadily rose through her youth but it wasn’t until her teenage years when she personally talked Marc Jacobs out of putting shoulder pads in his new collection that people really began to appreciate her genius. Katy attended Ivy university and graduated maxima cum laude with a triple major in fashion, astrology, and greatness. In addition to schooling burgeoning Bad Girl’s in Training she is a certified dudevorce mediator, was Perez Hilton’s phone a friend on Celebrity Millionaire, and is single-handedly spearheading a movement to retroactively give Jennifer Grey a nose job in “Dirty Dancing” so young impressional youth won’t get the wrong idea. Katy’s intrests include shaming people, drinking coffee while chain smoking, and using Lattise.

Pamela
When Pamela was born, legend has it that she held the secret for losing weight while still eating carbs, and the rest of her life has only improved the world more. Her tutelage in fashion began at an early age, graduating at the top of her class in fabulousness in record time, and her senior thesis on "Who Wore It Best?" is said to have been responsible for decreasing the hole in the ozone layer by 32%. Her interests include: Moisturizer, crushing on Nick Jonas look-a-likes, drinking cosmos and gossiping with her besties, keeping food journals, Keira Knightley, and bringing fab fashionable fierceness to the world.

Sarah
Resident sex-ologist Sarah is a man-crazy crush-a-holic who has more than one trick up her sleeve when it comes to snagging a man! But just because this babealicious diva is perfect from the feet up doesn't mean she's a slut! Let Sarah's rote memorization of the Kama Sutra and expertise in perfect scrunchie/scrotum placement take you and your man to Pleasure Town every time! Sarah has never had hair grow in inappropriate places and has been banned from several hip cocktail bars for causing too many head-turning related man-injuries. Before landing on Bad Girl's Island, Sarah pioneered the world famous rancho pirate bend-and-flex, and she is the leading expert in the field of downlow workplace fellatio. Sarah's interests include Activia, creating multiple uses for leggings, Blake Lively's Apple Pie with Splenda fragrance, being better than you, and Sugar-Free Mango Tango Bubbalicious.

Chippy Chick
Chippy Chick got her education in fabulousness at the feet of her always fashionable and glamourous babysitter. She completed her education in accessorizing to perfection at Rayray's School of Cosmetology in Queens, NY and has worked in all things fabulous, fun, and fashionable since she was in middle school. Ms. Chick has worked at BGI since the beginning as a contributor for the beautification of the world. She once almost got into a bar fight with Lindsay Lohan over the last blue drink umbrella but quickly stepped out of the fight because blue is soooo last season. Chippy loves to cook and has perfected a secret recipe for the maple syrup cleanse (shh!).